What a week. On Wednesday, I was officially laid off. It's now Friday, and soon I will be getting ready to go to a countywide "After the Layoff" workshop with who knows how many other people.
In my office, 38 people got pink slips. (And no, they are not pink. Sadly.) Only 13 CPS workers remain; only 2 workers remain in my Emergency Response unit (out of 15). The district I work in was hit harder than any other; we are the office that gets the bulk of the new hires. Even so, there are plenty of people with more than 4 years with the county who are gone. The people that I associate with child welfare in this county are gone. Damn good workers. Committed. Gone.
I decided ahead of time that Wednesday night would be the night to bring in our living tree and decorate it. For the first time in years, we have a Christmas tree. It's lovely. It's small, but it's got a string of white lights on it, and I was able to fit more than half of our ornament collection on it.* It really looks lovely, and it makes me happy to show it to Kid A in the mornings, all lit up, and talk to her about some of the ornaments.
* Our ornament collection is surprisingly large, especially considering how long it's been since we put up a tree. For years now, my dad's side of the family has exchanged ornaments for Christmas presents, and they have always given one each to TM and me. And for a few years in the early days, my dad got ornaments not just for TM and me, but for our two cats, as well. One year, he even got ornaments for the Yorkies we'd inherited from TM's grandfather ... Point is, we've got a LOT of ornaments. Go, little tree!
Tomorrow, our Christmas begins. We're heading up to my mom's, where we'll see my cousin and his wife and their twin boys for the first time since Kid A's been born. They live in Des Moines, and we took a trip out there in early January, so Kid A was with us, of course, but not on the outside. My brother is coming, too, with his girlfriend, who I'll be meeting for the first time, which is very exciting. And my uncle and his wife, who is excited to meet Kid A. It's a big weekend coming up. And of course it means that we have even less time to get ready for Christmas than usual, because I'm working pretty much every day except for the weekends and Christmas Day. (The rant about having no time off for the holidays and yet being laid off on the 31st would go here, had I the time to write it. Imagine what you might say, and that's pretty much what I would say, too.) Surprisingly, I'm pretty ready. I've still got a number of presents to wrap for later Christmas celebrations, but TM said he would help me with that, so I'm not stressing. He's got the next two weeks off, you bet he can help!
Last night, I baked a pecan pie and a pumpkin pie for this weekend. I'm super anxious to find out if the crust turned out well. I'm a big crust person, and to me, a pie is only as good as its crust. When we were in Mendocino for our 9th wedding anniversary, the Mendocino Bookstore clerk gave me a simple pie crust recipe that calls for Crisco instead of butter. She swore that Crisco's the secret. TM was joking that his mom would be appalled; when we talked pie crust with her after that, she said, "Oh yeah, that's what I use." We'll see if Crisco is the answer. I'll report back.
Tonight, we're going to take Kid A to TM's department Christmas party at the chair's house. None of his colleagues have met her, so it'll be fun to show her off. Hopefully, she won't get too tired and cranky -- the party starts right at her usual evening naptime. Fingers crossed!
If I don't get a chance to post again until after the holidays, Happy Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Solstice, Happy Kwanzaa, and a Happy, Jolly Good New Year to all!
Friday, December 19, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Stone soup
The Board of Supervisors of my county voted today to cut millions of dollars, hundreds of jobs. Read the article, it does a better job of explaining the details of the approved budget cuts.
I was at that Board of Sups meeting today. From a little before 9:00 this morning until nearly 2:00 this afternoon. Public comment was still going on (wrapping up, though) when I left. Hundreds of people spoke. Social workers, eligibility workers, clerks, foster parents, adoptive parents, attorneys, community members, former CPS clients all turned out and spoke from the heart. Adult Protective Services faces huge cuts in a tiny department. It's brutal.
One of the sups said at one point during public comment, "You make it sound as though we have a choice about making these cuts. We don't. We have no choice." The point was that we know cuts have to be made, but the cuts as proposed will break the Bureau. Some estimates from workers and supervisors indicate that 80% of the workers in my district office will be laid off. Workloads for remaining social workers will double. APS will lose over 60% of its small workforce. One of the people who spoke sounded like an individual with lots of job security -- 30 years with the county, and a pretty high-level individual. He got a warning letter.
Things are bad all over. It's an incredibly scary time for me. I never thought that I would see the kinds of headlines that have been all over every media source for the last few months. I never thought that good, secure, necessary, federally-mandated county jobs would be subjected to the axe like this. I never expected that this country would face another Great Depression, but it looks like that's exactly where we're headed. I feel super lucky for the opportunity to have already had an interview with another county. Things could still work out. But I'm appalled at what's happened here. I'm horrified at the careless disregard that this county is demonstrating toward its employees. I'm disgusted that they must have known this was coming, and over 100 people will be getting pink slips within the week, and summarily dismissed on New Year's Eve. I'm outraged at the mismanagement: less than four months ago, they hired four new people, and spent nine weeks putting us through an intensive training unit. The waste just sickens me.
Needless to say, the atmosphere in my office is dismal. My colleagues are angry, stunned, deflated, worried and depressed. We still have three weeks to slog through. We still have the long march of the pink slips calls, whenever those come out. We still have families to serve, investigations to complete, court reports to write, children to protect. We have to find new jobs, get our own families through the holidays, figure out how to hold on to our remaining assets. It's exhausting.
And tomorrow, I get to drive to Novato (over an hour away from where I live) for another day of training. For real.
I was at that Board of Sups meeting today. From a little before 9:00 this morning until nearly 2:00 this afternoon. Public comment was still going on (wrapping up, though) when I left. Hundreds of people spoke. Social workers, eligibility workers, clerks, foster parents, adoptive parents, attorneys, community members, former CPS clients all turned out and spoke from the heart. Adult Protective Services faces huge cuts in a tiny department. It's brutal.
One of the sups said at one point during public comment, "You make it sound as though we have a choice about making these cuts. We don't. We have no choice." The point was that we know cuts have to be made, but the cuts as proposed will break the Bureau. Some estimates from workers and supervisors indicate that 80% of the workers in my district office will be laid off. Workloads for remaining social workers will double. APS will lose over 60% of its small workforce. One of the people who spoke sounded like an individual with lots of job security -- 30 years with the county, and a pretty high-level individual. He got a warning letter.
Things are bad all over. It's an incredibly scary time for me. I never thought that I would see the kinds of headlines that have been all over every media source for the last few months. I never thought that good, secure, necessary, federally-mandated county jobs would be subjected to the axe like this. I never expected that this country would face another Great Depression, but it looks like that's exactly where we're headed. I feel super lucky for the opportunity to have already had an interview with another county. Things could still work out. But I'm appalled at what's happened here. I'm horrified at the careless disregard that this county is demonstrating toward its employees. I'm disgusted that they must have known this was coming, and over 100 people will be getting pink slips within the week, and summarily dismissed on New Year's Eve. I'm outraged at the mismanagement: less than four months ago, they hired four new people, and spent nine weeks putting us through an intensive training unit. The waste just sickens me.
Needless to say, the atmosphere in my office is dismal. My colleagues are angry, stunned, deflated, worried and depressed. We still have three weeks to slog through. We still have the long march of the pink slips calls, whenever those come out. We still have families to serve, investigations to complete, court reports to write, children to protect. We have to find new jobs, get our own families through the holidays, figure out how to hold on to our remaining assets. It's exhausting.
And tomorrow, I get to drive to Novato (over an hour away from where I live) for another day of training. For real.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Joy to the World
Man, I'm so tired, but if I don't write now, I suspect another weekend will go by without a post.
Kid A has not slept through the night since that first night, but nights are definitely easier since she's transitioned from nursing to exclusively formula. In fact, life in general has been easier. I think that, because I knew she wasn't getting enough from nursing, but I didn't know how much more she needed, supplementing with formula was always such a guessing game. Does she need 2 ounces or 3? Is she really still hungry, or is it time to try to get her to sleep? Is she hungry, or is it gas? Since the wean, it has been so easy. Now she's up to four ounces per bottle, and she wants a bottle every 2 hours or so. She makes these little grunts when she's hungry, and if she doesn't look tired during a feeding, that means she's still up and ready for more playing. It's just terrific, being able to tell what she wants and meeting those needs. Life is sweet these days.
Here's some things that she is NOT doing yet:
* sitting up on her own
* teething
* rolling over
* laughing (much)
* eating cereal (she plays with the spoon every few days, though)
What she IS doing:
* Standing. As often as possible, for as long as possible.
* Holding the bottle during feedings, and practicing putting it into and taking it out of her mouth.
* Refusing the pacifier. This started maybe two weeks ago, and she has been consistent both in refusing it when offered, and no longer needing it when going to sleep.
* Grabbing her feet
* Looking for dropped toys and trying to get them back
* Continuing her love affair with her hands and everyone else's
* Babbling, squealing, and raspberry-ing
This morning, Kid A and I went out to Peet's while TM slept in. On our way back, we stopped off at Home Depot, because they had some living Christmas trees on display. I picked out a tree and had them set it aside, and later in the day, TM and I went back with Kid A and purchased the tree and some new lights. TM did a little research when we got home, and learned that our tree shouldn't be indoors for more than 10 days, so instead of putting it up this weekend, we'll put it off a week. I'm going to try to put up some lights outside tomorrow.
I also called my mom today, since TM had more work to do today than he'd originally anticipated, and asked her to come down and help out with a little babysitting. Fortunately, she was able to spring into action and came in the late afternoon. Ironically, Kid A went down for a nap just a few minutes before Mom got here, and napped for about three hours. But Mom and I spent some time visiting while I dusted and put up a few Christmas decorations, and we even made a little garland out of old-fashioned colored glass ball ornaments and white curling ribbon. It's hanging from the curtain rod above our sliding glass door, and it looks very festive. When Kid A woke up, Mom played with her while TM and I rushed around, vacuuming and cleaning the bathrooms and whatnot. All in all, it was a great visit.
Tomorrow, we'll head back into our native lands to visit friends. Originally, the plan was to make eggnog, but now it looks as though we will be making gingerbread houses! How fun. We're also going to have a brief visit with some friends who just had a baby boy about a month ago.
December is already feeling so crunched: we have our first family Christmas gathering the weekend before Christmas at my mom's (my cousin and his wife and their twin boys will be in California over Christmas, and their first stop is my aunt's house, who lives across the street from my mom). That means I only have 2 weekends to get ready for Christmas, and this one's already half over! I'm kind of in denial about it.
My interview on Thursday went fine, I think. It's out of my control now. I did my best; we'll just wait and see.
Kid A has not slept through the night since that first night, but nights are definitely easier since she's transitioned from nursing to exclusively formula. In fact, life in general has been easier. I think that, because I knew she wasn't getting enough from nursing, but I didn't know how much more she needed, supplementing with formula was always such a guessing game. Does she need 2 ounces or 3? Is she really still hungry, or is it time to try to get her to sleep? Is she hungry, or is it gas? Since the wean, it has been so easy. Now she's up to four ounces per bottle, and she wants a bottle every 2 hours or so. She makes these little grunts when she's hungry, and if she doesn't look tired during a feeding, that means she's still up and ready for more playing. It's just terrific, being able to tell what she wants and meeting those needs. Life is sweet these days.
Here's some things that she is NOT doing yet:
* sitting up on her own
* teething
* rolling over
* laughing (much)
* eating cereal (she plays with the spoon every few days, though)
What she IS doing:
* Standing. As often as possible, for as long as possible.
* Holding the bottle during feedings, and practicing putting it into and taking it out of her mouth.
* Refusing the pacifier. This started maybe two weeks ago, and she has been consistent both in refusing it when offered, and no longer needing it when going to sleep.
* Grabbing her feet
* Looking for dropped toys and trying to get them back
* Continuing her love affair with her hands and everyone else's
* Babbling, squealing, and raspberry-ing
This morning, Kid A and I went out to Peet's while TM slept in. On our way back, we stopped off at Home Depot, because they had some living Christmas trees on display. I picked out a tree and had them set it aside, and later in the day, TM and I went back with Kid A and purchased the tree and some new lights. TM did a little research when we got home, and learned that our tree shouldn't be indoors for more than 10 days, so instead of putting it up this weekend, we'll put it off a week. I'm going to try to put up some lights outside tomorrow.
I also called my mom today, since TM had more work to do today than he'd originally anticipated, and asked her to come down and help out with a little babysitting. Fortunately, she was able to spring into action and came in the late afternoon. Ironically, Kid A went down for a nap just a few minutes before Mom got here, and napped for about three hours. But Mom and I spent some time visiting while I dusted and put up a few Christmas decorations, and we even made a little garland out of old-fashioned colored glass ball ornaments and white curling ribbon. It's hanging from the curtain rod above our sliding glass door, and it looks very festive. When Kid A woke up, Mom played with her while TM and I rushed around, vacuuming and cleaning the bathrooms and whatnot. All in all, it was a great visit.
Tomorrow, we'll head back into our native lands to visit friends. Originally, the plan was to make eggnog, but now it looks as though we will be making gingerbread houses! How fun. We're also going to have a brief visit with some friends who just had a baby boy about a month ago.
December is already feeling so crunched: we have our first family Christmas gathering the weekend before Christmas at my mom's (my cousin and his wife and their twin boys will be in California over Christmas, and their first stop is my aunt's house, who lives across the street from my mom). That means I only have 2 weekends to get ready for Christmas, and this one's already half over! I'm kind of in denial about it.
My interview on Thursday went fine, I think. It's out of my control now. I did my best; we'll just wait and see.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
All Through the Night
Woo hoo! Put Kid A down last night at 7:45, and she slept STRAIGHT THROUGH until 5:45 this morning! A little after 3, she made some noises that sounded like she was going to wake up for a bottle, but no -- she went back to sleep! I'm sorry for all the exclamation points, but hey! I feel great! I even went to bed late last night!
I have my interview today. I've been preparing, so I'm hopeful. Will post more later.
Slept through the night! I'm so proud of my big ol' baby.
I have my interview today. I've been preparing, so I'm hopeful. Will post more later.
Slept through the night! I'm so proud of my big ol' baby.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Hello Dolly holiday
Despite driving for two hours every day from Thursday through today, our Thanksgiving holiday was truly wonderful. We spent Thanksgiving and Friday with my Dad and my late aunt's family, and it was great to see everyone. It was a wonderful, laid-back, mellow day, and not as sad as I'd expected. We did not do the standard Thanksgiving meal (it was too hard for my cousins to try to do the traditional stuff, having lost their mom last month), but instead my cousin grilled steaks, chicken, and corn on the cob, and there were baked potatoes, a terrific garlic potato soup that my brother's roommate contributed, salad, rolls, and more desserts than you can shake a stick at, including the amazing Hello Dollys that I discovered were the simplest crowd-pleasing dessert imaginable. I started making them when I was eight months pregnant, and have brought them to every potluck I've been to since. The only people who don't like them are those who have aversions to pecans or coconut, otherwise, people can't seem to get enough of them. (They're also sometimes called Magic Cookie Bars, and some people call them Nanaimo Bars, although the cookbook with the Hello Dolly recipe has a different recipe for Nanaimo Bars. That is probably more information than you wanted about Hello Dollys.)
Yesterday and today we spent at my mom's house. My mom invited TM's parents and grandparents, as well as my brother (who again brought his roommate -- Hi, Peter! Thanks for the terrific bruschetta!) to spend the afternoon with us on Saturday, and again, a lovely time was had by all. Kid A is TM's grandparents' fifth great-grandchild. They really enjoyed being able to spend time with her. As TM's grandpa pointed out, they had only met her once, and that was when she was about a week old, so they had a great time with her emerging sociability.
It's much later at night than I would like, and there's so much I want to write. Kid A is doing amazing. She's exhibiting some head-cold symptoms, and the last half hour of our drive home was excruciating, but once she was out of her car seat, she was mostly back to her usual (of late) happy, talkative self. She's been hungry lately, taking in more formula than I've ever seen her do. And the big news is, we weaned her this weekend. She nursed to sleep the last three days (for naps) and nights, but today she did not nurse at all. I feel a little nostalgic already for our nursing days, but I am really glad to be done with pumping. The last 2 weeks I'd been pumping less than 4 ounces each day, and it was starting to feel like more effort than it was worth. I'd really been keeping it up for the antibodies more than for nutrition (and had been protecting my supply so that I could nurse at night). But we started introducing a midnight bottle last week, and it worked out beautifully -- she falls asleep almost instantly upon finishing the bottle, and sleeps longer, so I'm up fewer times during the night -- so even the night nursing no longer seemed necessary or even beneficial. The upshot is, only 5% of me misses nursing. The other 95% is glad that formula isn't as difficult as I would have thought, and in public or among mixed company (such as male family members -- I'm way more modest with my family than I am with my friends!), it's quite nice to be able to feed Kid A without having to sequester myself, or drag out the hooter hider.
Ok, I'd love to keep going, but I really must get to bed, or else I'll end up with a head cold! Happy Thanksgiving!
Yesterday and today we spent at my mom's house. My mom invited TM's parents and grandparents, as well as my brother (who again brought his roommate -- Hi, Peter! Thanks for the terrific bruschetta!) to spend the afternoon with us on Saturday, and again, a lovely time was had by all. Kid A is TM's grandparents' fifth great-grandchild. They really enjoyed being able to spend time with her. As TM's grandpa pointed out, they had only met her once, and that was when she was about a week old, so they had a great time with her emerging sociability.
It's much later at night than I would like, and there's so much I want to write. Kid A is doing amazing. She's exhibiting some head-cold symptoms, and the last half hour of our drive home was excruciating, but once she was out of her car seat, she was mostly back to her usual (of late) happy, talkative self. She's been hungry lately, taking in more formula than I've ever seen her do. And the big news is, we weaned her this weekend. She nursed to sleep the last three days (for naps) and nights, but today she did not nurse at all. I feel a little nostalgic already for our nursing days, but I am really glad to be done with pumping. The last 2 weeks I'd been pumping less than 4 ounces each day, and it was starting to feel like more effort than it was worth. I'd really been keeping it up for the antibodies more than for nutrition (and had been protecting my supply so that I could nurse at night). But we started introducing a midnight bottle last week, and it worked out beautifully -- she falls asleep almost instantly upon finishing the bottle, and sleeps longer, so I'm up fewer times during the night -- so even the night nursing no longer seemed necessary or even beneficial. The upshot is, only 5% of me misses nursing. The other 95% is glad that formula isn't as difficult as I would have thought, and in public or among mixed company (such as male family members -- I'm way more modest with my family than I am with my friends!), it's quite nice to be able to feed Kid A without having to sequester myself, or drag out the hooter hider.
Ok, I'd love to keep going, but I really must get to bed, or else I'll end up with a head cold! Happy Thanksgiving!
Sunday, November 23, 2008
So FUN!
This morning, a photographer came to our place to take some photos of Kid A. It was an amazing, wonderful time -- Kid A had a meltdown about 10 minutes before the photographer was due to arrive, and we were able to get her down for a nap.* And thankfully, our place is somewhat hard to find, so our photographer got a teensy bit lost, which bought us a slightly longer nap for the babe. When we were ready to get started, we brought her into the nursery, swaddled, thinking we'd get some sleeping photos, but she woke up pretty much right away, and once we got her unwrapped, she was so taken with the novelty of the big black camera and the sound of the shutter that she didn't fuss. She proceeded to be an absolutely delightful angel of a Gerber baby for the next 90 minutes. TM and I had such a great time, and Kid A graced us with smile after smile after smile. Yay yay yay!
*Thank heavens we didn't have to actually go anywhere for the photos. It was wonderful to be at home, with all our stuff, able to change her (and ourselves!) in a flash (so to speak), and not worry about getting her to a location on time. I cannot wait for the (digital) proofs to arrive!
Ok, now for the other, work-related news. The day that the CFS director gave us the news about the "potential" layoffs, I decided to dig up the email I received at the end of September from a neighboring county, indicating that I am on their eligibility list for an interview. I called them up, in a spirit of gathering information about when they are looking at interviewing/hiring. The HR person I spoke with said, "Oh, we were planning on sending you an email today or tomorrow to set up an interview!" Wow. I mean, really. Wow. The timing could not have been better. Within two hours of the most dismal news I could have imagined, at least a window of opportunity had opened, just a crack. What I really have going for me (as does my friend who was hired along with me, and who also has an interview pending), is that this county has hired a large group of new workers, all of whom we have been in trainings with for the last 2.5 months. Not only do we know all of their new workers (many of whom we already knew, through being classmates or having interned together), but this county has been the lead host county for these trainings. It is even possible that my current county did not actually pay for our trainings, but the host counties (four in all) may have footed the bill. This is a huge selling point during my interview: "You have already paid to train me, therefore you should hire me."
My plan is to prepare like crazy for this interview, so that I stand the best chance possible of receiving an offer. In this whole process, there is very little that I can control, but the one thing that I am sure of is that I can prepare my answers. Not that I know what the questions are, but I know some of the points that I need to make, and I am going to write, whenever I can, some social-work-y paragraphs. If all goes well, it is possible I will transition seamlessly from layoff to new job. Please send whatever prayers, visualizations, good thoughts, etc. you feel comfortable with my way! Mama needs a new job!
Yesterday, I met a good friend, who happens to work for the other county, at the Farmer's Market near where we used to live in Oakland. It was great to see her, and Kid A was delightful. It was a beautiful day, and people were out in full force at the Market. There was a zydeco-flavored band playing when we got there, and Kid A really seemed to enjoy the music. I also had a great time talking with a lively and exuberant 5-year-old girl who was fascinated by my knitting. We spent a little time walking along Lake Merritt, and then we headed back home.
This weekend has been all about sleep for my little one. She took a gigantic nap yesterday when we got home -- three hours, I think. She woke up this morning at 5, but was ready to go back down at 6, and slept until I got up at 8. She napped again for about 30-40 minutes (and likely would have slept longer, if we hadn't awakened her for the photos) at 10, and went back down at a little after noon. And who knows how much longer she'll sleep?!
I am absolutely LOVING having DVR. I have been able to keep up with my shows, and I'm stoked. Grey's Anatomy was awesome this week, as was Survivor. I'm even watching Top Chef, The Daily Show and Colbert, even 30 Rock! Ah, life is good ...
*Thank heavens we didn't have to actually go anywhere for the photos. It was wonderful to be at home, with all our stuff, able to change her (and ourselves!) in a flash (so to speak), and not worry about getting her to a location on time. I cannot wait for the (digital) proofs to arrive!
Ok, now for the other, work-related news. The day that the CFS director gave us the news about the "potential" layoffs, I decided to dig up the email I received at the end of September from a neighboring county, indicating that I am on their eligibility list for an interview. I called them up, in a spirit of gathering information about when they are looking at interviewing/hiring. The HR person I spoke with said, "Oh, we were planning on sending you an email today or tomorrow to set up an interview!" Wow. I mean, really. Wow. The timing could not have been better. Within two hours of the most dismal news I could have imagined, at least a window of opportunity had opened, just a crack. What I really have going for me (as does my friend who was hired along with me, and who also has an interview pending), is that this county has hired a large group of new workers, all of whom we have been in trainings with for the last 2.5 months. Not only do we know all of their new workers (many of whom we already knew, through being classmates or having interned together), but this county has been the lead host county for these trainings. It is even possible that my current county did not actually pay for our trainings, but the host counties (four in all) may have footed the bill. This is a huge selling point during my interview: "You have already paid to train me, therefore you should hire me."
My plan is to prepare like crazy for this interview, so that I stand the best chance possible of receiving an offer. In this whole process, there is very little that I can control, but the one thing that I am sure of is that I can prepare my answers. Not that I know what the questions are, but I know some of the points that I need to make, and I am going to write, whenever I can, some social-work-y paragraphs. If all goes well, it is possible I will transition seamlessly from layoff to new job. Please send whatever prayers, visualizations, good thoughts, etc. you feel comfortable with my way! Mama needs a new job!
Yesterday, I met a good friend, who happens to work for the other county, at the Farmer's Market near where we used to live in Oakland. It was great to see her, and Kid A was delightful. It was a beautiful day, and people were out in full force at the Market. There was a zydeco-flavored band playing when we got there, and Kid A really seemed to enjoy the music. I also had a great time talking with a lively and exuberant 5-year-old girl who was fascinated by my knitting. We spent a little time walking along Lake Merritt, and then we headed back home.
This weekend has been all about sleep for my little one. She took a gigantic nap yesterday when we got home -- three hours, I think. She woke up this morning at 5, but was ready to go back down at 6, and slept until I got up at 8. She napped again for about 30-40 minutes (and likely would have slept longer, if we hadn't awakened her for the photos) at 10, and went back down at a little after noon. And who knows how much longer she'll sleep?!
I am absolutely LOVING having DVR. I have been able to keep up with my shows, and I'm stoked. Grey's Anatomy was awesome this week, as was Survivor. I'm even watching Top Chef, The Daily Show and Colbert, even 30 Rock! Ah, life is good ...
Friday, November 21, 2008
Everybody knows things are bad, worse than bad
That's a sampled lyric from a mix by Steinski. TM bought the CD about a month ago, and I've been hooked on it ever since. He's a great DJ, check it out: "Nothing to Fear" is the disc.
Anyway, that lyric has been in my head for about 48 hours straight now. My first-choice county, the only county I wanted to work for, the one that finally hired me after being passed over in the first round, the one that has been a serious roller-coaster ride, is looking at layoffs. And when I say "looking at layoffs," I mean they are going to do it. When I say "looking at layoffs," I mean it's a bloodbath -- somewhere between 10-25% of their workforce just in Child Protective Services. So things are bad, worse than bad. Morale is shot, the office is a crummy place to be. In fact, I'm supposed to be in the shower right now, getting ready to go. But I kind of can't bring myself to do it. I got assigned another referral yesterday, and I'm wondering, How am I supposed to apply myself to learning a new job and all its functions and duties, when I know I'm out the door in less than six weeks? I know that I will do it, because that's the kind of person I am, but the whole office is feeling that way. One of the supervisors told workers that they should be looking for a new job if they have less than three years with the county. That feels insane to me.
So things are going to get weird. I have some good news, too, but I'm going to hold off on writing about that now. I think I need to stay in the crappy part of it right now, to honor the bad feelings, since I so often jump to optimism and the power of positive thinking. That's there, too, but this is all about the fact that it kind of sucks right now.
More later.
Anyway, that lyric has been in my head for about 48 hours straight now. My first-choice county, the only county I wanted to work for, the one that finally hired me after being passed over in the first round, the one that has been a serious roller-coaster ride, is looking at layoffs. And when I say "looking at layoffs," I mean they are going to do it. When I say "looking at layoffs," I mean it's a bloodbath -- somewhere between 10-25% of their workforce just in Child Protective Services. So things are bad, worse than bad. Morale is shot, the office is a crummy place to be. In fact, I'm supposed to be in the shower right now, getting ready to go. But I kind of can't bring myself to do it. I got assigned another referral yesterday, and I'm wondering, How am I supposed to apply myself to learning a new job and all its functions and duties, when I know I'm out the door in less than six weeks? I know that I will do it, because that's the kind of person I am, but the whole office is feeling that way. One of the supervisors told workers that they should be looking for a new job if they have less than three years with the county. That feels insane to me.
So things are going to get weird. I have some good news, too, but I'm going to hold off on writing about that now. I think I need to stay in the crappy part of it right now, to honor the bad feelings, since I so often jump to optimism and the power of positive thinking. That's there, too, but this is all about the fact that it kind of sucks right now.
More later.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
What she's up to
Wow, I can't believe it's been almost two weeks since I last had a chance to write. It's late, and I really should be in bed, but I'm not sure when I'll get another chance to post, so ...
Kid A is now well over four months old. She is doing all sorts of cool new stuff. Mainly, she is practicing -- over and over and over again -- grabbing objects and stuffing them into her mouth, taking them back out, and putting them back in again. It's really funny when she has been staring at something we are holding for her, and then makes a sudden move to grab the object and tries to put it in her mouth ... but she has missed the toy, and she succeeds in putting only her own hands in her mouth. Very amusing for her daddy and me!
She is also "talking" much much more. The other night, while we were having some quiet time after nursing, I started just making random sounds, and actually worked my way through the entire alphabet. There were certain sounds that interested her more than others (I could tell by how vigorously she kicked her legs in response to a sound), but she was transfixed by all of them, just looking up at me with her enormous eyes. Anyway, I have been making a greater effort to introduce her to "letter" sounds, because she is more and more interested in "talking" to us. She doesn't really laugh yet, but she does this funny thing when she's excited or really happy ... oh my goodness, I don't know if I can describe it! It's a loud and vocal inhale. I don't know if it's something she would have done anyway or if she learned it from me; for the longest time now, I've been giving her tummy-raspberries when I change her diaper, and in between belly-blows, I lift my head up and inhale with an excited look on my face, and I make a sort of excited sound while I'm breathing in. I sort of think that that is where she got it, and it totally cracks TM and me up!
Another neat thing is that it is now a surprise as to what she might decide to smile at. For instance, one night I was holding her quietly, thinking that she was going to fall asleep. I had nursed her, and she was lying in my arms with her pacifier, just looking up at me, and I decided to "shush" her. So I started going, "Shhh," and she looked at me and just broke into the biggest grin behind her paci. I did it again, and she had the same reaction. I did it 5 or 6 more times, and by this time I was laughing so hard. Needless to say, there was no nap after that!
Kid A and I went shopping with my mom today. My mom was nice enough to buy me a few new shirts for work (thanks, Mom/Nana!). Unfortunately, Kid A had a super rough day and it was really hard for me. She got hungry and tired and overstimulated, and I was never able to meet all of her needs sufficiently. The worst part was the noises. Over and over again, there were way too many loud and surprising noises that just sent her over the edge. First there was a really loud motorcycle, just as she was about to fall asleep for her Nana, while I was browsing in a store. Then, after a fairly decent nap, I went into a public restroom to for a long-overdue diaper change. The bathroom was really small, and the toilets were so loud when they flushed! Five or six flushes during our short diaper change, and poor Kid A's eyes bugged out every time and she flailed her arms and kicked her legs ... it was pretty awful for me, since her little system had already been overtaxed. I realized today that if I take her on outings like that, I have to ensure that I have comfortable places for her to eat and to sleep, so that everyone concerned will have an enjoyable time. If I can't be sure that those things are possible, I probably shouldn't go. This will be an adjustment for me, but I think she's starting to be easier to read, in terms of her preferences and sensitivities.
In other news, I am fully an Emergency Response worker now. I have completed the client contact portion of my first two investigations, and all that remains is the bureaucratic documentation/forms-completion components. So far it's going well. I suppose that's really all I have to say about that right now.
And I have new hair! I have chopped off the long, graduate-student hair, and I have a cute, short, new 'do. I hope to post some photos soon, especially since I have no idea when I might be seeing folks these days!
So glad I got a chance to do this. Off to bed!
Kid A is now well over four months old. She is doing all sorts of cool new stuff. Mainly, she is practicing -- over and over and over again -- grabbing objects and stuffing them into her mouth, taking them back out, and putting them back in again. It's really funny when she has been staring at something we are holding for her, and then makes a sudden move to grab the object and tries to put it in her mouth ... but she has missed the toy, and she succeeds in putting only her own hands in her mouth. Very amusing for her daddy and me!
She is also "talking" much much more. The other night, while we were having some quiet time after nursing, I started just making random sounds, and actually worked my way through the entire alphabet. There were certain sounds that interested her more than others (I could tell by how vigorously she kicked her legs in response to a sound), but she was transfixed by all of them, just looking up at me with her enormous eyes. Anyway, I have been making a greater effort to introduce her to "letter" sounds, because she is more and more interested in "talking" to us. She doesn't really laugh yet, but she does this funny thing when she's excited or really happy ... oh my goodness, I don't know if I can describe it! It's a loud and vocal inhale. I don't know if it's something she would have done anyway or if she learned it from me; for the longest time now, I've been giving her tummy-raspberries when I change her diaper, and in between belly-blows, I lift my head up and inhale with an excited look on my face, and I make a sort of excited sound while I'm breathing in. I sort of think that that is where she got it, and it totally cracks TM and me up!
Another neat thing is that it is now a surprise as to what she might decide to smile at. For instance, one night I was holding her quietly, thinking that she was going to fall asleep. I had nursed her, and she was lying in my arms with her pacifier, just looking up at me, and I decided to "shush" her. So I started going, "Shhh," and she looked at me and just broke into the biggest grin behind her paci. I did it again, and she had the same reaction. I did it 5 or 6 more times, and by this time I was laughing so hard. Needless to say, there was no nap after that!
Kid A and I went shopping with my mom today. My mom was nice enough to buy me a few new shirts for work (thanks, Mom/Nana!). Unfortunately, Kid A had a super rough day and it was really hard for me. She got hungry and tired and overstimulated, and I was never able to meet all of her needs sufficiently. The worst part was the noises. Over and over again, there were way too many loud and surprising noises that just sent her over the edge. First there was a really loud motorcycle, just as she was about to fall asleep for her Nana, while I was browsing in a store. Then, after a fairly decent nap, I went into a public restroom to for a long-overdue diaper change. The bathroom was really small, and the toilets were so loud when they flushed! Five or six flushes during our short diaper change, and poor Kid A's eyes bugged out every time and she flailed her arms and kicked her legs ... it was pretty awful for me, since her little system had already been overtaxed. I realized today that if I take her on outings like that, I have to ensure that I have comfortable places for her to eat and to sleep, so that everyone concerned will have an enjoyable time. If I can't be sure that those things are possible, I probably shouldn't go. This will be an adjustment for me, but I think she's starting to be easier to read, in terms of her preferences and sensitivities.
In other news, I am fully an Emergency Response worker now. I have completed the client contact portion of my first two investigations, and all that remains is the bureaucratic documentation/forms-completion components. So far it's going well. I suppose that's really all I have to say about that right now.
And I have new hair! I have chopped off the long, graduate-student hair, and I have a cute, short, new 'do. I hope to post some photos soon, especially since I have no idea when I might be seeing folks these days!
So glad I got a chance to do this. Off to bed!
Monday, November 3, 2008
Picture postcard
Kid A had her 4-month pediatrician appointment on Friday (Halloween). The doc said she's doing great. Here are her stats, at not-quite-four-months old:
- She weighs 14 lbs, 9.4 oz
- She's 26 & 3/4 inches tall
- She's in the 75th percentile for weight, and
- She's off the charts for height (above 95th percentile).
Basically, she's healthy, tall and lean. She handled her vaccinations like a champ. TM and I got DTaP and flu shots at the same time, and I think we were in worse shape on Saturday than she was!
And now, for your enjoyment, photos!
Kid A loves putting her hands in her mouth. It's her favorite activity these days.
Well, one of her favorite activities. Her other favorite activity is looking at her hands.
Dude, why you all up in my grill?
Sleepy little lamb, at the yoga mama reunion.
She loves to stand!
And tonight, her very first rice cereal!
Sometime soon, I'll write actual words. Tonight, I'm too tired. Hope you liked the photos!
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Little lamb
This was not the photo I had intended to put up when I promised a couple of days ago to post photos, but a) it's too cute, and b) it was easy. I still haven't had a chance to upload the photos I took of Kid A last weekend, but I really really hope to do so soon.
We had a little reunion of my prenatal yoga class today, along with a couple of mamas-to-be, at a little park in North Berkeley. There were six babies and their parents. There were even three grandparents in attendance! This is the group that is the closest thing I have to a mom's group, and so it's always wonderful to be with them. It's also always wonderful to have an excuse to get back to Berkeley and Oakland! I started my urban adventure with a trip to the Oakland location of Arizmendi, which I miss so dearly. (If you don't know about it, but are in the East Bay, you definitely need to check them out. Morning pastries to die for, yummy yummy pizza, good breads ... just go. Seriously.) Then we were off to the park, for fun in the sun with the mamas and babes. Delightful.
As you can see, Kid A was not altogether pleased with her first Halloween costume. But there's a lot that she's not pleased with, and I'm doing much better at taking her displeasure in stride. All in all, she was a real delight this weekend. Last night, we went to a pumpkin carving party with Krista Is A Mom and her family and our former neighbors, who are truly wonderful people. It was a great weekend of self-care, in which I was surrounded by the very best of humanity. It was wonderful to be in the company of our chosen "village." Too bad we don't actually live near our village!!
Friday, October 24, 2008
NO on 8
It's been a long time since my last post. I was sick, and then there was my aunt's funeral (really lovely, actually), and then I got sick again. I'm planning to put up some new pictures of Kid A really really soon, 'cause there are some great new ones, but tonight's post is political.
I know I'm in the suburbs now, because tonight I saw something I never would have seen in our old neighborhood. Driving home from what will be my new office, I saw a group -- a large group -- of people holding up signs. Yes on Prop 8 signs. The signs had slogans on them that read things like "Yes on 8 = religious freedom" and "Yes on 8 = freedom of speech". I'm a long long way from Berkeley, where I was never confronted with conservatism the way I'm confronted with it now. I've seen Prop 8 signs at a ratio of about 10 yes for every no. It's disheartening. It's pretty sickening. It boggles my mind that there is a large segment of the population that thinks it's okay to try to deny people their civil liberties, simply because they are morally opposed to homosexuality. It disgusts me that there are people who oppose same-sex marriage because it would somehow defile the sanctity of marriage, and yet many of these folks have gotten divorces, or cheat on their spouses, or are secretly gay themselves. In addition, those who support Prop 8 are often the same people who advocate for smaller government, and more freedom to make one's own choices (with their money, with their children's education, etc).
I'm not writing this very well, because it's late (for me, anyway), and I'm tired. What I really want to say is that an amendment to California's state constitution is not something to be taken lightly. If we were to change the operational definitions, and deny the right to marry to any other group within the population -- banning marriage between religions, or between races, for instance -- it would be clear as day that such an idea should go down in defeat. Proposition 8 denies fundamental human rights to a segment of the population and, as such, it is wrong. If you live in California, vote NO on Proposition 8.
I know I'm in the suburbs now, because tonight I saw something I never would have seen in our old neighborhood. Driving home from what will be my new office, I saw a group -- a large group -- of people holding up signs. Yes on Prop 8 signs. The signs had slogans on them that read things like "Yes on 8 = religious freedom" and "Yes on 8 = freedom of speech". I'm a long long way from Berkeley, where I was never confronted with conservatism the way I'm confronted with it now. I've seen Prop 8 signs at a ratio of about 10 yes for every no. It's disheartening. It's pretty sickening. It boggles my mind that there is a large segment of the population that thinks it's okay to try to deny people their civil liberties, simply because they are morally opposed to homosexuality. It disgusts me that there are people who oppose same-sex marriage because it would somehow defile the sanctity of marriage, and yet many of these folks have gotten divorces, or cheat on their spouses, or are secretly gay themselves. In addition, those who support Prop 8 are often the same people who advocate for smaller government, and more freedom to make one's own choices (with their money, with their children's education, etc).
I'm not writing this very well, because it's late (for me, anyway), and I'm tired. What I really want to say is that an amendment to California's state constitution is not something to be taken lightly. If we were to change the operational definitions, and deny the right to marry to any other group within the population -- banning marriage between religions, or between races, for instance -- it would be clear as day that such an idea should go down in defeat. Proposition 8 denies fundamental human rights to a segment of the population and, as such, it is wrong. If you live in California, vote NO on Proposition 8.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
First cold
Not hers, mine. I got really run-down, and have been feeling crummy for the past 2.5 days. I came home from work early today and took a great, nearly two-hour nap. I am definitely feeling better, but still tired.
Kid A fought against her final nap of the day today, and had a hard time going down to sleep, despite lots of feeding, a bath, and playtime. She's doing this very unpleasant thing while nursing lately, which, if it continues, will mean an early wean. Feel free to comment with suggestions if this has happened to you: she's clamping down. It HURTS. Even though she doesn't have any teeth, that shit hurts. I don't know why she does it, and I don't know what I can do about it, other than to take her off the boob for a little while.
There are some really lovely things that I've been noticing about nursing though, and they are things that I want to be sure to remember. Like when she throws her arm across her eyes, as though melodramatically saying, "Oh, it's all just too much!" Or putting her hand on top of her head, as in the I'm-a-little-teapot song. Or when she grabs the top of my thumb, as though it were a doorknob, with her strong little fingers.
Since she's so restless (even though she's asleep, I can hear her stirring), I'm going to cut this one short. Night!
Kid A fought against her final nap of the day today, and had a hard time going down to sleep, despite lots of feeding, a bath, and playtime. She's doing this very unpleasant thing while nursing lately, which, if it continues, will mean an early wean. Feel free to comment with suggestions if this has happened to you: she's clamping down. It HURTS. Even though she doesn't have any teeth, that shit hurts. I don't know why she does it, and I don't know what I can do about it, other than to take her off the boob for a little while.
There are some really lovely things that I've been noticing about nursing though, and they are things that I want to be sure to remember. Like when she throws her arm across her eyes, as though melodramatically saying, "Oh, it's all just too much!" Or putting her hand on top of her head, as in the I'm-a-little-teapot song. Or when she grabs the top of my thumb, as though it were a doorknob, with her strong little fingers.
Since she's so restless (even though she's asleep, I can hear her stirring), I'm going to cut this one short. Night!
Monday, October 13, 2008
A Happy Postcard
I'm really tired tonight, but I wanted to write a little bit about Kid A before another whole week goes by. Suddenly, she's just delightful to be with. She's still sometimes a fussy girl, but last week, around her 3-month birthday, she sort of turned a corner, temperamentally, and she's a sweet, happy baby now. She smiles so often these days (mostly at the big plastic sun at the apex of her activity mat!), and spends lots and lots of time shoving as much of her fists as possible into her mouth. She is endlessly fascinated with hands, her own and everybody else's. And even though I am not a very good singer, she is very often calmed by my singing. The most reliably calming song? The chorus from Fiona Apple's "Extraordinary Machine." Go figure.
TM picks her up every afternoon at around 4:00, and watches her until I get home, anywhere between 4:30 and 6:00, depending on where my training has taken me on a given day. He also spends lots of time singing to her, and it always brings a smile to my face. Unlike me (I'm pretty unoriginal, for the most part, with my song choices), TM makes up song after song after song for her. It's usually stuff about what she's doing, or looking at, or wearing, but it's always adorable, and very often it's clever and witty and funny, too. My biggest accomplishment in the made-up song category? "Oohhhh, pumpkin, doo-doo-doo-doo," repeated four times with slight changes of key. The only reason it's an accomplishment is because it made TM laugh, and also because it caught on with TM.
We had a lovely weekend. On Saturday, I went back to my old neighborhood, and visited Krista and her baby daughter, Molly. Then I swung by some friends' who are expecting their first baby any day now, and dropped off a big ol' package of diapers that I bought, thinking they would fit Kid A (what? they were for 8-14 pounds ... ), but were too small for her. On Sunday, our little family went to the plant nursery where TM used to work (for more than 10 years), and picked up a bamboo that TM had reserved as an anniversary present for me. Then we did our usual grocery shopping outings, and came home and did housework. It sounds like drudgery, but it was really wonderful to have such a low-key weekend.
My milk supply is still fairly low, despite a return to pumping three times a day at work all week last week. I was able to feed Kid A without formula on Saturday, but on Sunday I gave her a couple of bottles. I'm okay with it. I'm hoping to be able to get to four months before my supply completely peters out. The good news is that even though the supply is low, it hasn't dropped any lower since I resumed pumping more often.
And I booked a photographer for November! We'll be doing Christmas cards, of course, and will be giving the grandparents holiday photos. We're doing the session the weekend before Thanksgiving, which will mean Kid A will be 4.5 months old. I'm really excited, because I loooove this photographer's portfolio. After the shoot, I'll post a link to her website.
Ok, off to bed!
TM picks her up every afternoon at around 4:00, and watches her until I get home, anywhere between 4:30 and 6:00, depending on where my training has taken me on a given day. He also spends lots of time singing to her, and it always brings a smile to my face. Unlike me (I'm pretty unoriginal, for the most part, with my song choices), TM makes up song after song after song for her. It's usually stuff about what she's doing, or looking at, or wearing, but it's always adorable, and very often it's clever and witty and funny, too. My biggest accomplishment in the made-up song category? "Oohhhh, pumpkin, doo-doo-doo-doo," repeated four times with slight changes of key. The only reason it's an accomplishment is because it made TM laugh, and also because it caught on with TM.
We had a lovely weekend. On Saturday, I went back to my old neighborhood, and visited Krista and her baby daughter, Molly. Then I swung by some friends' who are expecting their first baby any day now, and dropped off a big ol' package of diapers that I bought, thinking they would fit Kid A (what? they were for 8-14 pounds ... ), but were too small for her. On Sunday, our little family went to the plant nursery where TM used to work (for more than 10 years), and picked up a bamboo that TM had reserved as an anniversary present for me. Then we did our usual grocery shopping outings, and came home and did housework. It sounds like drudgery, but it was really wonderful to have such a low-key weekend.
My milk supply is still fairly low, despite a return to pumping three times a day at work all week last week. I was able to feed Kid A without formula on Saturday, but on Sunday I gave her a couple of bottles. I'm okay with it. I'm hoping to be able to get to four months before my supply completely peters out. The good news is that even though the supply is low, it hasn't dropped any lower since I resumed pumping more often.
And I booked a photographer for November! We'll be doing Christmas cards, of course, and will be giving the grandparents holiday photos. We're doing the session the weekend before Thanksgiving, which will mean Kid A will be 4.5 months old. I'm really excited, because I loooove this photographer's portfolio. After the shoot, I'll post a link to her website.
Ok, off to bed!
Saturday, October 11, 2008
RIP, Auntie Uck
My aunt, the one who had her arm and shoulder amputated at the beginning of August, died during the night between Tuesday and Wednesday. About a week before her passing, she began a rapid deterioration, losing cognitive and motor functioning. I don't know many of the details, but the short version is that, considering what she was going through, it is a blessing that she went quickly. I am very sad for my uncle and my dad, and for her children and grandchildren. And, of course, I am sad for myself, too. We hadn't been all that close since I left my hometown at age 18, but she was always very kind to me, and she was a very big part of my childhood. She was an amazing person, who had been through a lot. I will miss her.
The last time I saw her was at the baby shower that my sister-in-law threw for TM and me in June. My aunt presented us with a very sweet handknit sweater and hat. Kid A will wear them next week when we go to the funeral. On that day, my aunt looked well, and happy. I don't know whether or not she felt as well as she looked, but I feel grateful that our last visit together was on such a happy occasion. Also at the shower, my aunt presented us with a quilt that my grandmother, who died in 1997, had made. Granny had made four quilts, one for each of her grandchildren, for the children that they would have someday. My aunt had kept them all in a cedar chest since my grandmother's death, and brought Kid A's quilt to the shower for us. My aunt was a special person.
My little brother called her Auntie Uck. I don't remember the story of how the name originated, but I will gather reminiscences from the family, and will post again. I'll miss you, Auntie Uck. I am glad to have known you.
The last time I saw her was at the baby shower that my sister-in-law threw for TM and me in June. My aunt presented us with a very sweet handknit sweater and hat. Kid A will wear them next week when we go to the funeral. On that day, my aunt looked well, and happy. I don't know whether or not she felt as well as she looked, but I feel grateful that our last visit together was on such a happy occasion. Also at the shower, my aunt presented us with a quilt that my grandmother, who died in 1997, had made. Granny had made four quilts, one for each of her grandchildren, for the children that they would have someday. My aunt had kept them all in a cedar chest since my grandmother's death, and brought Kid A's quilt to the shower for us. My aunt was a special person.
My little brother called her Auntie Uck. I don't remember the story of how the name originated, but I will gather reminiscences from the family, and will post again. I'll miss you, Auntie Uck. I am glad to have known you.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Walking, Working, Watching
It's been a good week. On Sunday, Kid A will be 13 weeks old, and on Monday, she will celebrate her three-month birthday! This week, we discovered walks. I got home early on Tuesday, and was feeling worried and embarrassed about work (I'll elaborate on this below), and so I decided to put Kid A in the stroller and go for a walk. Since I started working, I've been concerned about how I'm going to get regular exercise, and so I decided to see if Kid A would enjoy getting out into the world. She did not like her stroller when she was younger, but I am very pleased to report that she really enjoyed going for walks this week. In fact, it's been a strategy that I've begun to employ when she's fussy and won't eat, and also won't yield to a nap easily. We walk for about 15 minutes or so, and then she falls asleep. There's a park nearby that has gravel paths, and the bumpiness usually puts her right out. We walked today for nearly an hour.
When we got back from our walk, after I fed her, I remembered about the Baby Einstein activity mat that my cousin and his wife bought for Kid A. It's one of those things that has the bars overhead for hanging toys and such from. I set it up for her, and she loved it! We have one of those bouncy seats that TM and I call the neglect-o-matic; well, this is the best neglect-o-matic ever. (Ironic, isn't it: a CPS worker bragging about neglecting her baby?)
So I am adjusting to working, and for the most part, it is fine. This week, though, I had a bit of a crisis of confidence about being in a new job, at the beginning of a new career. Last week, the issue with work was that I felt almost completely overwhelmed by the intensity of what it is that I will be doing: assessing whether children are at risk of harm, and deciding whether it is worse to take them out of their homes, or to leave them in situations that I wouldn't want for any child, but are minimally sufficient to meet their basic needs. It's bad all the way around, and, even though I'm not completely green at this, it suddenly feels all too real.
So the crisis of confidence: on Monday of this week, I had two incidents, right on top of one another, in which I felt as though my professional reputation was in danger of being damaged. Without going into detail, I will say that one of the incidents involved the person who will be supervising me, if I remain in the position to which it seems I've been assigned, and I fear that I may not be getting off on the best foot. The other incident involved a colleague, and while it was ultimately a positive interaction and, I think, restorative overall (I was revisiting a difference of opinion we'd had, and was essentially apologizing), she said during the conversation that she had "talked to a couple of people" back at the office after our disagreement. So I panicked inwardly, a little bit, and felt super crummy for the next 24 hours or so, feeling like my own professional reputation was rapidly spinning out of control. Thus, the walk on Tuesday evening. And I phoned Krista, who is the best listener I know, and walking and talking really helped me get out of my head about it (thanks, Krista!). And, as TM pointed out, I am more sleep-deprived than I have ever been, and so that was undoubtedly contributing to my shaken confidence. And I'm also adjusting to two new identities: mom, and CPS worker.
This week I also attended two days of training in Napa, and one of my former classmates is going through some pretty nasty office politics at her new job. I have therefore resolved to turn over a new leaf and rise above the cattiness that seems to be rampant among offices that are almost exclusively populated by women. I've sort of taken on a New Year's resolution early: no negative comments about colleagues. Our jobs are damn hard enough without piling on with junior high school type clique-y bullshit.
We've had our first rain of the fall this weekend, and I love it. The air smells nice, and the sidewalks look cleaner. I love the fall. It's hard to believe the holidays will be here so soon!
Oh, and we now have DVR!! I can watch things I would normally miss because they coincide with Kid A's neediest hours. Oh hooray! Thanks, Astound Broadband!
When we got back from our walk, after I fed her, I remembered about the Baby Einstein activity mat that my cousin and his wife bought for Kid A. It's one of those things that has the bars overhead for hanging toys and such from. I set it up for her, and she loved it! We have one of those bouncy seats that TM and I call the neglect-o-matic; well, this is the best neglect-o-matic ever. (Ironic, isn't it: a CPS worker bragging about neglecting her baby?)
So I am adjusting to working, and for the most part, it is fine. This week, though, I had a bit of a crisis of confidence about being in a new job, at the beginning of a new career. Last week, the issue with work was that I felt almost completely overwhelmed by the intensity of what it is that I will be doing: assessing whether children are at risk of harm, and deciding whether it is worse to take them out of their homes, or to leave them in situations that I wouldn't want for any child, but are minimally sufficient to meet their basic needs. It's bad all the way around, and, even though I'm not completely green at this, it suddenly feels all too real.
So the crisis of confidence: on Monday of this week, I had two incidents, right on top of one another, in which I felt as though my professional reputation was in danger of being damaged. Without going into detail, I will say that one of the incidents involved the person who will be supervising me, if I remain in the position to which it seems I've been assigned, and I fear that I may not be getting off on the best foot. The other incident involved a colleague, and while it was ultimately a positive interaction and, I think, restorative overall (I was revisiting a difference of opinion we'd had, and was essentially apologizing), she said during the conversation that she had "talked to a couple of people" back at the office after our disagreement. So I panicked inwardly, a little bit, and felt super crummy for the next 24 hours or so, feeling like my own professional reputation was rapidly spinning out of control. Thus, the walk on Tuesday evening. And I phoned Krista, who is the best listener I know, and walking and talking really helped me get out of my head about it (thanks, Krista!). And, as TM pointed out, I am more sleep-deprived than I have ever been, and so that was undoubtedly contributing to my shaken confidence. And I'm also adjusting to two new identities: mom, and CPS worker.
This week I also attended two days of training in Napa, and one of my former classmates is going through some pretty nasty office politics at her new job. I have therefore resolved to turn over a new leaf and rise above the cattiness that seems to be rampant among offices that are almost exclusively populated by women. I've sort of taken on a New Year's resolution early: no negative comments about colleagues. Our jobs are damn hard enough without piling on with junior high school type clique-y bullshit.
We've had our first rain of the fall this weekend, and I love it. The air smells nice, and the sidewalks look cleaner. I love the fall. It's hard to believe the holidays will be here so soon!
Oh, and we now have DVR!! I can watch things I would normally miss because they coincide with Kid A's neediest hours. Oh hooray! Thanks, Astound Broadband!
Sunday, September 28, 2008
As promised ...
Here are some recent pics of Kid A, including the adorable bath photos ...
I'm pretty new at posting photos, so I'm going to play with the layouts a bit.
She's not quite 10 weeks old in this photo, but as you can see, she loves to look into the mirror at the beginning of the bath. The grins are incredible. Tonight's smiles were even better than these, but, alas, no camera. Just as well.
Here she is, reppin' the town where she spent most of her gestation. Oaktown in the hizzouse!
Eleven weeks old. And, you can't see it, but she's sporting a fauxhawk. It's true. But with all that hair, you'd do it occasionally, too!
Total knockout. She's getting so strong. She rolled over once this weekend, from her tummy to her back, but hasn't been able to replicate the feat yet. This is from today, her 12-week birthday.
... and this is three minutes later. Oh, it's hard to be a baby.
I'm pretty new at posting photos, so I'm going to play with the layouts a bit.She's not quite 10 weeks old in this photo, but as you can see, she loves to look into the mirror at the beginning of the bath. The grins are incredible. Tonight's smiles were even better than these, but, alas, no camera. Just as well.
Here she is, reppin' the town where she spent most of her gestation. Oaktown in the hizzouse!Eleven weeks old. And, you can't see it, but she's sporting a fauxhawk. It's true. But with all that hair, you'd do it occasionally, too!
Total knockout. She's getting so strong. She rolled over once this weekend, from her tummy to her back, but hasn't been able to replicate the feat yet. This is from today, her 12-week birthday.
... and this is three minutes later. Oh, it's hard to be a baby.Friday, September 26, 2008
12 weeks and 10 years
Today is our 10-year wedding anniversary. TM and I married in our twenties (he was 23, I was 25, so you know how old we are now). Tomorrow, my mom is coming to babysit Kid A for a few hours in the afternoon, so that we can go to lunch and a matinee. It's our first outing for pleasure without Kid A since she was born. As much as I'm looking forward to it, it also seems a bit strange that I am voluntarily leaving her to go enjoy myself for a few hours. I know that balance and self-care are important, and it has been something of a rough week, and, as I say, I'm looking forward to our celebratory afternoon (tame as it is), but still. It feels a little weird.
On Sunday, Kid A will be 12 weeks old. This week, she has been fussier than normal. It started last Sunday, when we went to a baby shower for our friends; Kid A cried a lot, most of the afternoon. TM was feeling sort of under the weather all weekend, and Kid A looked a bit snotty on Sunday, so I was worried that she was coming down with her first cold. And pretty much all week, she's been a little off. Her runny nose never got too bad, though -- I only noticed it a few times over the course of the week -- but she's definitely been fussier than she had been for the last 2-3 weeks, and her sleeping rhythm was quite a bit different. But this evening, when I got home from work, she spent a good amount of time enjoying her hands (she studies them pretty intently, and they seem to be one of her favorite diversions these days), and she even gave me quite a few smiles, which hadn't been the norm for our evenings this week. It was great to see her smiling again, and I suspect she really wasn't feeling all that well for most of the week, so it's so nice to have her back to her calmer, more grown-up self.
Last night was pretty rough, though. She'd been going to sleep for the night between 7:30 and 8:30 pretty consistently, and last evening I put her to bed around 7:30. I was quite pleased, for two reasons: I was exhausted, and I was really looking forward to watching Survivor and maybe even the first hour of Grey's Anatomy. Ten minutes into Survivor, Kid A woke up and started to cry. I went upstairs and fed her, hoping that a few minutes of nursing would put her back to sleep (not unreasonable, since that's often the pattern), but "a few minutes of nursing" turned into 40 minutes of nursing, and rocking, and putting her down, and her beginning to fuss immediately and so starting the cycle all over again. I was completely wiped out (I had to do a lot of driving this week, and I desperately need a pair of sunglasses; I think my eyes got a little burned), and hungry, and the cumulative effect of adjusting to a life where every minute of my day is done for or given to someone else was really starting to get to me. TM was great, and helped out a lot, but Kid A did not successfully go down until around 10:30, when I finally got her to nurse lying down with me. We fell asleep together, and she slept great until 3:30 this morning, when I fed her again and swaddled her and finally put her in her own little bed between us.
I think a lot about whether Kid A's fussiness is created by the way we parent her, or is just the result of her own, innate temperament. I am about 75% convinced it's her temperament, because who wants to think that as a parent, they're creating the "problem", but there is that 25% that wonders whether she'd be easier if I was more laid-back about parenting her. But the answer to that question, for me, is "cry it out," and I just don't believe in that, at least, not yet. For one thing, even medical professionals say that you can't spoil a baby in the first three months, and so I do believe I'm parenting in a highly responsive way. I believe that I am following her cues and her lead about what she wants and needs, and not imposing my own will on her. And for Kid A, "cry it out" just doesn't work -- she doesn't yet self-soothe, she just gets more and more worked up and upset. She's unhappy and can't calm herself down, and I hate it, so I try to help her. We'll see if, in 3 or 6 months, whether she still needs the same level of intervention to soothe and to sleep. If so, maybe I'll have to revisit my working philosophy of parenting. But for now, even though it's demanding and intensive, I think it's working.
We discovered Mylicon this week. Our day care providers had suggested it in the first or second week, but I didn't think we really needed it. But Tuesday they reported that she'd had two bottles of formula* -- twice as much as she'd ever gotten before -- and she just seemed really uncomfortable. She was screaming her fool head off, and arching her back, and acting like she wanted to nurse but wouldn't, so I sent TM off to Long's for the Mylicon (it's an anti-gas over-the-counter medicine), and it's been quite the discovery. I think she's been gassy for quite some time, because that stuff really seems to work for her. Thankfully, we don't need to use it at every feeding, but the handful of times that she gets it in a day really seems to help.
* Since I've been working, despite pumping 2-3 times during my work day, plus pumping at night and in the mornings, I am not producing enough to feed her during her hours in day care. I am glad that she will be starting on rice cereal in a month or so, because she's been getting at least 1 bottle of formula every day for the past 2-3 weeks. I also think we're going to have to start feeding her a bottle of formula each day on the weekends, too -- I think part of her fussiness last weekend might have been because she was hungry. I'm still surprised that I really cannot produce enough to meet all of her nutritional needs myself -- I could grow this big baby but I can't feed her sufficiently? It's just crazy to me. At this point, I'm just hoping that I can keep producing long enough to supply her with at least some breast milk until she's 6 months old. I gave up, a week or two ago, on the idea that I was going to be able to produce enough that she wouldn't need supplemental formula, and it's been really nice to let go of that pressure. I've even, in the last couple of days, stopped pumping before and after work (unless she's fed lightly and I need to). We'll see.
I do plan to post those bath pictures soon, but I haven't uploaded them to my computer yet. I'm hoping to get to it this weekend, so look for a short post of primarily (exclusively?) photos in the next couple of days. And maybe someday I'll get a chance to post about work! That, too, has been pretty intense, which is perhaps another reason I was so fried this week. And with that, I'm off to bed!
On Sunday, Kid A will be 12 weeks old. This week, she has been fussier than normal. It started last Sunday, when we went to a baby shower for our friends; Kid A cried a lot, most of the afternoon. TM was feeling sort of under the weather all weekend, and Kid A looked a bit snotty on Sunday, so I was worried that she was coming down with her first cold. And pretty much all week, she's been a little off. Her runny nose never got too bad, though -- I only noticed it a few times over the course of the week -- but she's definitely been fussier than she had been for the last 2-3 weeks, and her sleeping rhythm was quite a bit different. But this evening, when I got home from work, she spent a good amount of time enjoying her hands (she studies them pretty intently, and they seem to be one of her favorite diversions these days), and she even gave me quite a few smiles, which hadn't been the norm for our evenings this week. It was great to see her smiling again, and I suspect she really wasn't feeling all that well for most of the week, so it's so nice to have her back to her calmer, more grown-up self.
Last night was pretty rough, though. She'd been going to sleep for the night between 7:30 and 8:30 pretty consistently, and last evening I put her to bed around 7:30. I was quite pleased, for two reasons: I was exhausted, and I was really looking forward to watching Survivor and maybe even the first hour of Grey's Anatomy. Ten minutes into Survivor, Kid A woke up and started to cry. I went upstairs and fed her, hoping that a few minutes of nursing would put her back to sleep (not unreasonable, since that's often the pattern), but "a few minutes of nursing" turned into 40 minutes of nursing, and rocking, and putting her down, and her beginning to fuss immediately and so starting the cycle all over again. I was completely wiped out (I had to do a lot of driving this week, and I desperately need a pair of sunglasses; I think my eyes got a little burned), and hungry, and the cumulative effect of adjusting to a life where every minute of my day is done for or given to someone else was really starting to get to me. TM was great, and helped out a lot, but Kid A did not successfully go down until around 10:30, when I finally got her to nurse lying down with me. We fell asleep together, and she slept great until 3:30 this morning, when I fed her again and swaddled her and finally put her in her own little bed between us.
I think a lot about whether Kid A's fussiness is created by the way we parent her, or is just the result of her own, innate temperament. I am about 75% convinced it's her temperament, because who wants to think that as a parent, they're creating the "problem", but there is that 25% that wonders whether she'd be easier if I was more laid-back about parenting her. But the answer to that question, for me, is "cry it out," and I just don't believe in that, at least, not yet. For one thing, even medical professionals say that you can't spoil a baby in the first three months, and so I do believe I'm parenting in a highly responsive way. I believe that I am following her cues and her lead about what she wants and needs, and not imposing my own will on her. And for Kid A, "cry it out" just doesn't work -- she doesn't yet self-soothe, she just gets more and more worked up and upset. She's unhappy and can't calm herself down, and I hate it, so I try to help her. We'll see if, in 3 or 6 months, whether she still needs the same level of intervention to soothe and to sleep. If so, maybe I'll have to revisit my working philosophy of parenting. But for now, even though it's demanding and intensive, I think it's working.
We discovered Mylicon this week. Our day care providers had suggested it in the first or second week, but I didn't think we really needed it. But Tuesday they reported that she'd had two bottles of formula* -- twice as much as she'd ever gotten before -- and she just seemed really uncomfortable. She was screaming her fool head off, and arching her back, and acting like she wanted to nurse but wouldn't, so I sent TM off to Long's for the Mylicon (it's an anti-gas over-the-counter medicine), and it's been quite the discovery. I think she's been gassy for quite some time, because that stuff really seems to work for her. Thankfully, we don't need to use it at every feeding, but the handful of times that she gets it in a day really seems to help.
* Since I've been working, despite pumping 2-3 times during my work day, plus pumping at night and in the mornings, I am not producing enough to feed her during her hours in day care. I am glad that she will be starting on rice cereal in a month or so, because she's been getting at least 1 bottle of formula every day for the past 2-3 weeks. I also think we're going to have to start feeding her a bottle of formula each day on the weekends, too -- I think part of her fussiness last weekend might have been because she was hungry. I'm still surprised that I really cannot produce enough to meet all of her nutritional needs myself -- I could grow this big baby but I can't feed her sufficiently? It's just crazy to me. At this point, I'm just hoping that I can keep producing long enough to supply her with at least some breast milk until she's 6 months old. I gave up, a week or two ago, on the idea that I was going to be able to produce enough that she wouldn't need supplemental formula, and it's been really nice to let go of that pressure. I've even, in the last couple of days, stopped pumping before and after work (unless she's fed lightly and I need to). We'll see.
I do plan to post those bath pictures soon, but I haven't uploaded them to my computer yet. I'm hoping to get to it this weekend, so look for a short post of primarily (exclusively?) photos in the next couple of days. And maybe someday I'll get a chance to post about work! That, too, has been pretty intense, which is perhaps another reason I was so fried this week. And with that, I'm off to bed!
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Settling in
Kid A is turning 11 weeks old tomorrow. It's hard to believe how quickly it's going. I realized today that she's going to grow up so quickly. Everyone who's ever had kids says how fast it goes, and I felt the first twinges of that a few hours ago. Nothing specific, no major milestones reached today, just the sense that she won't need us anymore, all too soon. I suppose that realization might come in handy when I feel frustrated about not having "me" time.
She's getting a lot easier to please these days. I'm not sure whether that's due to her getting older, or spending time in day care, or a little of both. She's also going down for the night much MUCH more easily, which is a big relief. We've developed a little routine: sometime between 6 and 7 pm, I give her a bath, which she LOVES. TM took some pictures of her in the bath last night; I'll try to post them here soon. Her biggest smiles of the day are when she's in the tub. I used to bathe her in the kitchen -- her little plastic bathtub fits into our kitchen sink -- but for the past couple of weeks, I've taken the tub upstairs and bathed her on the bathroom counter. Even though having to haul it from the tub to the counter and back again to fill and drain it is a little less convenient, this was a tremendously great idea, because she loves watching the bath proceedings in the mirror. In fact, every time I put her in the tub, she looks into the mirror, at me, and gives the biggest, happiest smiles I've ever seen. Tonight, she gave me at least half a dozen of these huge, heart-melting grins. It was awesome. The photos don't do it justice, but as I say, I'll try to get some up soon.
Oh yeah, the routine. So after the bath, I get her dressed, and I've even started brushing her hair (she has so much of it!). If she's upset from getting dressed, I'll nurse her, and then we play on her blanket on the floor of her room until she's fussy. Then I nurse her (again), and rock her until she goes to sleep. She often wakes up for another quick feeding in an hour, and then she's down until her first middle-of-the-night feeding. I'm really pleased that the routine is being established so quickly.
I'm also more and more pleased with our day care providers. (No harm in referring to them by [real] name, so that's what I will do.) On Wednesday evening, Carmen sent home a couple of small containers of Peruvian food for TM and me -- so sweet! There was a chicken and rice dish, and a very interesting potato dish that had a custard-y, egg-y sauce that had a slight kick to it. And when I dropped Kid A off on Friday morning, Eugene commented that she had had a wonderful morning on Thursday, and had napped for a good long stretch. He also said, "She doesn't like noise," as in when she's napping. I know it's a super small thing, but it felt great, actually, knowing that they are learning her specific likes and dislikes, and working with them.
I'm becoming more suburban by the week: I took Kid A shopping again today. I wanted to get a bag for work, one that I can fit a full-sized notepad into, along with the various forms and such that I will need to carry with me when I'm actually doing the work. I typed "TJ Maxx" into my Garmin (a.k.a Rhonda, as in "Help Me, Rhonda"), and several locations popped up. I selected one that seemed like it would be sort of on the way to my next stops, and off we went. I'm not saying where it was, because it was AMAZING. It was the nicest, cleanest, best-stocked, most organized discount store I've ever been to. Let me know if you want to go, and I'll take you. But otherwise, I'm keeping it my little secret. Man, did they have some good stuff. But Kid A was fussy by the time I'd picked out my bag. I wanted to look at some winter clothes for her, but she pretty well lost it. I did find a cute little cool-weather hooded jacket, though. Sadly, it's pink, but it'll be warm, and it will fit her ... at least for another month or two!
This week, I have to make a 126-mile round trip, two days in a row, for training. That made me tired, just typing it. I'll have to make sure I load up the car with some good CDs (thank goodness TM bought a bunch of new albums the last couple of months). And I'll probably be making some phone calls ... look out, you just might get one!
She's getting a lot easier to please these days. I'm not sure whether that's due to her getting older, or spending time in day care, or a little of both. She's also going down for the night much MUCH more easily, which is a big relief. We've developed a little routine: sometime between 6 and 7 pm, I give her a bath, which she LOVES. TM took some pictures of her in the bath last night; I'll try to post them here soon. Her biggest smiles of the day are when she's in the tub. I used to bathe her in the kitchen -- her little plastic bathtub fits into our kitchen sink -- but for the past couple of weeks, I've taken the tub upstairs and bathed her on the bathroom counter. Even though having to haul it from the tub to the counter and back again to fill and drain it is a little less convenient, this was a tremendously great idea, because she loves watching the bath proceedings in the mirror. In fact, every time I put her in the tub, she looks into the mirror, at me, and gives the biggest, happiest smiles I've ever seen. Tonight, she gave me at least half a dozen of these huge, heart-melting grins. It was awesome. The photos don't do it justice, but as I say, I'll try to get some up soon.
Oh yeah, the routine. So after the bath, I get her dressed, and I've even started brushing her hair (she has so much of it!). If she's upset from getting dressed, I'll nurse her, and then we play on her blanket on the floor of her room until she's fussy. Then I nurse her (again), and rock her until she goes to sleep. She often wakes up for another quick feeding in an hour, and then she's down until her first middle-of-the-night feeding. I'm really pleased that the routine is being established so quickly.
I'm also more and more pleased with our day care providers. (No harm in referring to them by [real] name, so that's what I will do.) On Wednesday evening, Carmen sent home a couple of small containers of Peruvian food for TM and me -- so sweet! There was a chicken and rice dish, and a very interesting potato dish that had a custard-y, egg-y sauce that had a slight kick to it. And when I dropped Kid A off on Friday morning, Eugene commented that she had had a wonderful morning on Thursday, and had napped for a good long stretch. He also said, "She doesn't like noise," as in when she's napping. I know it's a super small thing, but it felt great, actually, knowing that they are learning her specific likes and dislikes, and working with them.
I'm becoming more suburban by the week: I took Kid A shopping again today. I wanted to get a bag for work, one that I can fit a full-sized notepad into, along with the various forms and such that I will need to carry with me when I'm actually doing the work. I typed "TJ Maxx" into my Garmin (a.k.a Rhonda, as in "Help Me, Rhonda"), and several locations popped up. I selected one that seemed like it would be sort of on the way to my next stops, and off we went. I'm not saying where it was, because it was AMAZING. It was the nicest, cleanest, best-stocked, most organized discount store I've ever been to. Let me know if you want to go, and I'll take you. But otherwise, I'm keeping it my little secret. Man, did they have some good stuff. But Kid A was fussy by the time I'd picked out my bag. I wanted to look at some winter clothes for her, but she pretty well lost it. I did find a cute little cool-weather hooded jacket, though. Sadly, it's pink, but it'll be warm, and it will fit her ... at least for another month or two!
This week, I have to make a 126-mile round trip, two days in a row, for training. That made me tired, just typing it. I'll have to make sure I load up the car with some good CDs (thank goodness TM bought a bunch of new albums the last couple of months). And I'll probably be making some phone calls ... look out, you just might get one!
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Cliffs notes
Ok, a whirlwind post, because I am tired and want to go to bed, and because Kid A could wake up any minute, and I'm gone again. This is about as bullet-point-y as one of my posts is going to get.
Dad update. Let's see, he went home on Wednesday (the day his 100% Medicare coverage ran out), and is still battling an infection in his foot (feet? and legs?), and is still in a lot of pain. He came up with his own, very comprehensive, plan for help and support (the very nice man and his daughter -- complicated, and unnecessary for me to go into details), which is a good reminder for me in my work that folks can almost always come up with better plans for themselves than I could. I just have to get out of the way! Apparently, though, one of the pins in his ankle is wiggling around a fair bit, which is contributing to at least the pain and possibly the infection, so the surgeon may have to remove the pin(s) and put the foot in a cast. The other worrisome issue is the mountain of debt hanging over his head, and whether he's in good enough shape mentally to deal with it. LB reports that 1) the realtor is supposed to come to the house soon to measure and appraise, so it looks like Dad really is moving forward on that, and 2) the very nice man's daughter is going to help Dad prioritize the big ol' spreadsheet of debt that I worked up for him, so hopefully Dad's going to have some debt-wrangling help. He's not very good with money. Oh, and his dog came home today! I'm sure the two of them are super happy to be reunited.
Kid A and I had a lovely day together yesterday. I needed some new shoes, and I had to return a defective baby monitor, so we went shopping in Walnut Creek. Kid A did great. She only lost it once in Target -- the electronics section was way too much for her, so loud and busy and overstimulating -- and she held it together really well while I browsed the outdoor mall for clothes for her and tried on shoes. She became inconsolable just as I was paying for my shoes, so I headed out of there as fast as the salesman would let me, and whisked her up to Nordstrom to feed her in the 3rd floor bathroom. It was a lovely outing, and I realized that shopping is actually a great place to take a 10-week-old baby, because there's just so much for her to look at and be distracted by. Or maybe she just really likes shopping, in which case I'm really in trouble.
Work. It seems as though I have been assigned to my permanent position, and the fact that I know about it is highly unorthodox. Typically, new workers are not notified of their positions until the very end of the 8 weeks of training; tomorrow is the beginning of week 3. So although I am not counting on anything, I have been told that I will be in the Emergency Response unit in the district office in which I interned last year. While ER was not my first choice of unit, the district office was much more important to me, and I am thrilled to be there. In addition, I am simply thrilled to know where I'll be working, and in what capacity. It makes the training much more relevant, because I am looking at everything through the lens of an ER worker. I know that's partly why they don't tell new workers until the end, because they don't want them to tune out the other parts of training that they think won't be relevant. Oh well. Too bad, if they decide to move me to a different assignment! But I'm hopeful that things are settled.
Ok, last story and then I'm off to feed the cats and go to bed. I mentioned in an earlier post that I had a funny story about pumping while out in the field. So this other breastfeeding mother and I are out investigating a referral at a hospital. Because it involves a newborn, we are in the labor and delivery wing of a small regional hospital. It's approaching 4 hours since I last pumped, and I need to do so again, so we ask the staff if there's someplace for me to pump. They're nice enough to let me use an empty labor and delivery room, so off I go. I have this hands-free contraption that I can hook up to my bra, so I'm sitting there, getting milked, and I drop something. I lean over to get it, and I spill milk on my skirt! Ack! So I get up, still pumping, and go over to the sink, and start trying to clean up my skirt, so I don't walk around all day with a big old milk spot on myself (and mostly so I don't smell like milk all day). Ok, I'm pretty well cleaned up, and I head back over and I notice that something else is on the floor. I've learned my lesson, right? Don't lean over. So I decide that it's perfectly okay to squat down to get it, but unfortunately I have to lean over just enough to spill milk on myself AGAIN. Genius.
By the way, thanks for all the sweet offers for weekend babysitting. We will definitely be hitting you all up in a few months. Right now, my time with Kid A on the weekends is just too precious to pass up, and it's working for now to try to "do it all" in 48 hours. Eventually, though, I will be just too tired to do it all myself, and I really appreciate knowing that I can rely on you for help! I feel so lucky that Kid A has such an awesome village, with all manner of cool and interesting and wonderful aunties and uncles (and Nanas!).
Dad update. Let's see, he went home on Wednesday (the day his 100% Medicare coverage ran out), and is still battling an infection in his foot (feet? and legs?), and is still in a lot of pain. He came up with his own, very comprehensive, plan for help and support (the very nice man and his daughter -- complicated, and unnecessary for me to go into details), which is a good reminder for me in my work that folks can almost always come up with better plans for themselves than I could. I just have to get out of the way! Apparently, though, one of the pins in his ankle is wiggling around a fair bit, which is contributing to at least the pain and possibly the infection, so the surgeon may have to remove the pin(s) and put the foot in a cast. The other worrisome issue is the mountain of debt hanging over his head, and whether he's in good enough shape mentally to deal with it. LB reports that 1) the realtor is supposed to come to the house soon to measure and appraise, so it looks like Dad really is moving forward on that, and 2) the very nice man's daughter is going to help Dad prioritize the big ol' spreadsheet of debt that I worked up for him, so hopefully Dad's going to have some debt-wrangling help. He's not very good with money. Oh, and his dog came home today! I'm sure the two of them are super happy to be reunited.
Kid A and I had a lovely day together yesterday. I needed some new shoes, and I had to return a defective baby monitor, so we went shopping in Walnut Creek. Kid A did great. She only lost it once in Target -- the electronics section was way too much for her, so loud and busy and overstimulating -- and she held it together really well while I browsed the outdoor mall for clothes for her and tried on shoes. She became inconsolable just as I was paying for my shoes, so I headed out of there as fast as the salesman would let me, and whisked her up to Nordstrom to feed her in the 3rd floor bathroom. It was a lovely outing, and I realized that shopping is actually a great place to take a 10-week-old baby, because there's just so much for her to look at and be distracted by. Or maybe she just really likes shopping, in which case I'm really in trouble.
Work. It seems as though I have been assigned to my permanent position, and the fact that I know about it is highly unorthodox. Typically, new workers are not notified of their positions until the very end of the 8 weeks of training; tomorrow is the beginning of week 3. So although I am not counting on anything, I have been told that I will be in the Emergency Response unit in the district office in which I interned last year. While ER was not my first choice of unit, the district office was much more important to me, and I am thrilled to be there. In addition, I am simply thrilled to know where I'll be working, and in what capacity. It makes the training much more relevant, because I am looking at everything through the lens of an ER worker. I know that's partly why they don't tell new workers until the end, because they don't want them to tune out the other parts of training that they think won't be relevant. Oh well. Too bad, if they decide to move me to a different assignment! But I'm hopeful that things are settled.
Ok, last story and then I'm off to feed the cats and go to bed. I mentioned in an earlier post that I had a funny story about pumping while out in the field. So this other breastfeeding mother and I are out investigating a referral at a hospital. Because it involves a newborn, we are in the labor and delivery wing of a small regional hospital. It's approaching 4 hours since I last pumped, and I need to do so again, so we ask the staff if there's someplace for me to pump. They're nice enough to let me use an empty labor and delivery room, so off I go. I have this hands-free contraption that I can hook up to my bra, so I'm sitting there, getting milked, and I drop something. I lean over to get it, and I spill milk on my skirt! Ack! So I get up, still pumping, and go over to the sink, and start trying to clean up my skirt, so I don't walk around all day with a big old milk spot on myself (and mostly so I don't smell like milk all day). Ok, I'm pretty well cleaned up, and I head back over and I notice that something else is on the floor. I've learned my lesson, right? Don't lean over. So I decide that it's perfectly okay to squat down to get it, but unfortunately I have to lean over just enough to spill milk on myself AGAIN. Genius.
By the way, thanks for all the sweet offers for weekend babysitting. We will definitely be hitting you all up in a few months. Right now, my time with Kid A on the weekends is just too precious to pass up, and it's working for now to try to "do it all" in 48 hours. Eventually, though, I will be just too tired to do it all myself, and I really appreciate knowing that I can rely on you for help! I feel so lucky that Kid A has such an awesome village, with all manner of cool and interesting and wonderful aunties and uncles (and Nanas!).
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
TGI (almost) F
I have survived my first four days of full-time work. My first week is almost over. It has been both good and very very hard. Surprisingly, dropping Kid A off with the sitters has not been the hardest part. I certainly don't like it very much, but it's been easier than I expected. The tough stuff has been pumping (brutal) and managing the evenings.
Pumping sucks for two reasons. One, it's time-consuming and uncomfortable. Pumping for 15 minutes ends up taking half an hour: getting set up, doing the deed, and then cleaning the equipment and storing the milk ... bleh. No fun at all. And because it's a new job, even though everyone's been super supportive, I still feel self-conscious and awkward about how much time it takes. The other reason pumping sucks is because I'm not producing very much milk. The sitters have just barely been getting through each day with what I'm giving them, and I'm having to pump in the mornings before Kid A wakes up just to get enough to leave with her each day, but today they had to give her formula at the end of the day. I finally had to readjust my philosophy on pumping, and I feel somewhat better about it. Rather than carry the expectation (and the pressure) that I am pumping in order to feed her while I am away, I have decided that
I am really pumping in order to protect my milk supply so that I can continue to nurse her whenever I am with her. The fact that I am able to leave some of my milk with her while I am gone is just a bonus. Mind you, I am taking fenugreek supplements and drinking mother's milk tea, so I haven't completely given up on the hope that I will begin to produce more and be able to provide all she needs ... But as one of my colleagues pointed out, she'll be on rice cereal soon, and then additional solids after that, so it's just a few more months of pressure. Which, of course, I am no longer feeling. Of course.
Ok, the evenings. The evenings have been hard because I've been trying to care for Kid A, who has been consistently fussy at night, as well as trying to get myself ready for work the next day. And pump. And I'm now way more sleep-deprived than I had been up to now, because I used to be able to make up for interrupted night sleep by sleeping in until 8 or 9 every morning. Now I'm up between 4:30 and 5:30, depending on where I need to be that day. Tonight, though, I came home with very low expectations of what I would "accomplish." Bathe, feed, and otherwise care for the baby, and feed myself dinner ... and a much-longed-for bowl of ice cream, which I had gotten into the habit of having every night while pregnant, but had not been able to eat for the past four nights. And in fact, it was a much better evening. I bathed, and played with, and nursed Kid A, and then took her for a long walk in the Moby, and she finally fell asleep. I came home and ate dinner, and started typing this post, and dished out my ice cream, and she woke up. Now TM is holding and rocking her, while I finish dessert, and I would say mission accomplished. :)
I have a very funny story about pumping in the field on my very first day, but that will have to wait. I think I'll probably only be able to post on the weekends for a while, at least until she's predictably and consistently going to bed at a certain time each night. So, more later. Stay tuned!
Pumping sucks for two reasons. One, it's time-consuming and uncomfortable. Pumping for 15 minutes ends up taking half an hour: getting set up, doing the deed, and then cleaning the equipment and storing the milk ... bleh. No fun at all. And because it's a new job, even though everyone's been super supportive, I still feel self-conscious and awkward about how much time it takes. The other reason pumping sucks is because I'm not producing very much milk. The sitters have just barely been getting through each day with what I'm giving them, and I'm having to pump in the mornings before Kid A wakes up just to get enough to leave with her each day, but today they had to give her formula at the end of the day. I finally had to readjust my philosophy on pumping, and I feel somewhat better about it. Rather than carry the expectation (and the pressure) that I am pumping in order to feed her while I am away, I have decided that
I am really pumping in order to protect my milk supply so that I can continue to nurse her whenever I am with her. The fact that I am able to leave some of my milk with her while I am gone is just a bonus. Mind you, I am taking fenugreek supplements and drinking mother's milk tea, so I haven't completely given up on the hope that I will begin to produce more and be able to provide all she needs ... But as one of my colleagues pointed out, she'll be on rice cereal soon, and then additional solids after that, so it's just a few more months of pressure. Which, of course, I am no longer feeling. Of course.
Ok, the evenings. The evenings have been hard because I've been trying to care for Kid A, who has been consistently fussy at night, as well as trying to get myself ready for work the next day. And pump. And I'm now way more sleep-deprived than I had been up to now, because I used to be able to make up for interrupted night sleep by sleeping in until 8 or 9 every morning. Now I'm up between 4:30 and 5:30, depending on where I need to be that day. Tonight, though, I came home with very low expectations of what I would "accomplish." Bathe, feed, and otherwise care for the baby, and feed myself dinner ... and a much-longed-for bowl of ice cream, which I had gotten into the habit of having every night while pregnant, but had not been able to eat for the past four nights. And in fact, it was a much better evening. I bathed, and played with, and nursed Kid A, and then took her for a long walk in the Moby, and she finally fell asleep. I came home and ate dinner, and started typing this post, and dished out my ice cream, and she woke up. Now TM is holding and rocking her, while I finish dessert, and I would say mission accomplished. :)
I have a very funny story about pumping in the field on my very first day, but that will have to wait. I think I'll probably only be able to post on the weekends for a while, at least until she's predictably and consistently going to bed at a certain time each night. So, more later. Stay tuned!
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Kid A's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
Ok, maybe it wasn't as bad as all that. But still, a very rough day for the poor little kiddo.
I dropped her off at the sitters' yesterday morning, so I could go in for a couple of hours so as not to miss turning in all my paperwork to payroll (important in a new job). It was actually kind of fun -- the payroll ladies were quite a hoot. I was able to pick her up a little before 1 pm, and it turns out she had a great morning: spent some time in the swing, wasn't fussy except when she was hungry, all in all a good morning. Except she didn't really sleep; she only napped for 30 minutes or so. And of course, this was the afternoon of her 2-month pediatrician appointment, complete with her first round of vaccinations.
Ok, no problem, we can deal. Except we waited, and waited, and waited. And then we got into the exam room and waited some more. Finally, after 50 minutes, with Kid A throwing a complete fit for at least half of that time, I went out to the nurse who'd weighed and measured her and complained. The pediatrician came in shortly after that, very apologetic (there had been some gnarly complication with a spinal tumor [!!!]), and we ended up liking this one (the first ped we saw at Kaiser we didn't like at all). And then we had to wait some more for her shots. By then, no amount of nursing was going to distract her from her exhaustion, and she was alert, unhappy and overtired when she got stuck with three different needles. She screamed and screamed and screamed, and this was my first moment, as a parent, of unbearable helplessness. I was so proud of myself for not breaking down when I dropped her off at the sitters' in the morning, and although I did not cry while she screamed from pain, exhaustion and confusion, my heart broke completely. The worst was the first one, as I was trying to nurse her, and she was as comforted as she could be in her agitated state, and then the needle, and her eyes got huge, and then the scream. I felt horrible. I couldn't help but think of Laura, Jaime and Simon, and thinking, "What if this were something real?" No one should have to go through what they are going through. (Please read their blog and send them love, good thoughts and prayers.)
I love my little pumpkin so much. She slept in the car on the short ride home and, sure enough, woke up as soon as we got home ... and was in fine spirits for an hour or so. TM said, "Good thing babies have short memories." Agreed. I think that's partly why we survive as a species: pain fades, and with it, so does the memory of it.
Last thought: I realized, driving home from my brief appearance at work, that I like working. I don't think I would have been very good at, or very happy, being a SAHM for very long. I think it's wonderful, and in many ways, I wish I could do it. Ultimately, I like what I do, despite all the bad that goes along with it.
I dropped her off at the sitters' yesterday morning, so I could go in for a couple of hours so as not to miss turning in all my paperwork to payroll (important in a new job). It was actually kind of fun -- the payroll ladies were quite a hoot. I was able to pick her up a little before 1 pm, and it turns out she had a great morning: spent some time in the swing, wasn't fussy except when she was hungry, all in all a good morning. Except she didn't really sleep; she only napped for 30 minutes or so. And of course, this was the afternoon of her 2-month pediatrician appointment, complete with her first round of vaccinations.
Ok, no problem, we can deal. Except we waited, and waited, and waited. And then we got into the exam room and waited some more. Finally, after 50 minutes, with Kid A throwing a complete fit for at least half of that time, I went out to the nurse who'd weighed and measured her and complained. The pediatrician came in shortly after that, very apologetic (there had been some gnarly complication with a spinal tumor [!!!]), and we ended up liking this one (the first ped we saw at Kaiser we didn't like at all). And then we had to wait some more for her shots. By then, no amount of nursing was going to distract her from her exhaustion, and she was alert, unhappy and overtired when she got stuck with three different needles. She screamed and screamed and screamed, and this was my first moment, as a parent, of unbearable helplessness. I was so proud of myself for not breaking down when I dropped her off at the sitters' in the morning, and although I did not cry while she screamed from pain, exhaustion and confusion, my heart broke completely. The worst was the first one, as I was trying to nurse her, and she was as comforted as she could be in her agitated state, and then the needle, and her eyes got huge, and then the scream. I felt horrible. I couldn't help but think of Laura, Jaime and Simon, and thinking, "What if this were something real?" No one should have to go through what they are going through. (Please read their blog and send them love, good thoughts and prayers.)
I love my little pumpkin so much. She slept in the car on the short ride home and, sure enough, woke up as soon as we got home ... and was in fine spirits for an hour or so. TM said, "Good thing babies have short memories." Agreed. I think that's partly why we survive as a species: pain fades, and with it, so does the memory of it.
Last thought: I realized, driving home from my brief appearance at work, that I like working. I don't think I would have been very good at, or very happy, being a SAHM for very long. I think it's wonderful, and in many ways, I wish I could do it. Ultimately, I like what I do, despite all the bad that goes along with it.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Briefly
So the first day of work was fine, nothing interesting to report, except that we got to go home a bit early, because we had to drive to a different town to do our LiveScans, scheduled for 3 pm. Thanks, trainer!
Kid A's first day of child care must have been fine (I did check in by phone at lunch, and TM got a full report when he picked her up, but beyond "She was fussy in the morning, and she really liked the swing," nothing was unusual or substantive), because she did not fuss -- AT ALL -- from the time we picked her up until the time she went to sleep for the night. And she went down for sleep so easily, we couldn't believe it. We thought either they had swapped her out for a different baby, or that they had worked some crazy Catholic voodoo on her. She really was like a different child. It was ... I don't even know what word to use to describe it. Crazy. Amazing. Unsettling. Unbelievable. Awesome. Maybe she would have been that way regardless -- maybe she's "growing up" and deciding that the world isn't so bad after all, or something -- but it was both cool and sad to see that she was okay. My ego is the teensiest bit bruised, knowing that she was okay without me. But I'm also pleased and relieved to know that she will be fine.
Not much to report on Dad. Spoke with the surgeon today; Dad's looking anemic, so they were going to check out a few things, maybe give him another transfusion. But the infection is improving, and they will probably send him to a (different) rehab in a few days. I am very slowly working on the business end of things, but progress is quite slow.
When I'm less tired and have a little more time, I'll write a bit about today's outing with Krista Is A Mom. Two urban mamas with their babes, hangin' in the beautiful 'burbs. We were lunching ladies. Shopping, too! So fun. Thanks, Krista!
Kid A's first day of child care must have been fine (I did check in by phone at lunch, and TM got a full report when he picked her up, but beyond "She was fussy in the morning, and she really liked the swing," nothing was unusual or substantive), because she did not fuss -- AT ALL -- from the time we picked her up until the time she went to sleep for the night. And she went down for sleep so easily, we couldn't believe it. We thought either they had swapped her out for a different baby, or that they had worked some crazy Catholic voodoo on her. She really was like a different child. It was ... I don't even know what word to use to describe it. Crazy. Amazing. Unsettling. Unbelievable. Awesome. Maybe she would have been that way regardless -- maybe she's "growing up" and deciding that the world isn't so bad after all, or something -- but it was both cool and sad to see that she was okay. My ego is the teensiest bit bruised, knowing that she was okay without me. But I'm also pleased and relieved to know that she will be fine.
Not much to report on Dad. Spoke with the surgeon today; Dad's looking anemic, so they were going to check out a few things, maybe give him another transfusion. But the infection is improving, and they will probably send him to a (different) rehab in a few days. I am very slowly working on the business end of things, but progress is quite slow.
When I'm less tired and have a little more time, I'll write a bit about today's outing with Krista Is A Mom. Two urban mamas with their babes, hangin' in the beautiful 'burbs. We were lunching ladies. Shopping, too! So fun. Thanks, Krista!
Monday, September 1, 2008
Taking care of business
Yesterday's trip to visit Dad was both good and hard. Our first long trip with Kid A (two hours in the car), and I wish it could have been under more pleasant circumstances. Little Brother (hereafter "LB") and I had been communicating in the days leading up to the visit about strategies for dealing with the mountain of issues, and were on the same page about our "message": sell the house ASAP, find a foster home for the dog, figure out the financial situation, make sure he goes to the better rehab after the hospital stay.
We arrived in town around noon, a bit later than we'd hoped, and had some lunch with LB, then went to the hospital. We dispensed quickly with the small talk and got down to business, talking about realtors (Dad has been trying to sell the house himself, to save money), and selling his extra car, and selling his big, gas-guzzling diesel truck and getting him something smaller and more affordable. He actually did okay until we started talking about the neighbors' offer to have their sister foster the dog, and he panicked. It quickly became clear that he had no idea he'd been out of home for over three weeks -- he must have thought it had been just a few days, a week at most. He said, "It's sad, but that dog's all I've got left." After much discussion, and a real shutting-down on Dad's part, he relented, and agreed that the dog would be better off staying with people and other dogs until Dad was ready to take her back.
That was the hard part: forcing Dad to deal with the urgent, pressing business of the possibility of foreclosure, and the reality that he must sell his home immediately. I hope as few people as possible have to go through that, because even though LB and I have parented our Dad for a long time, this was some of the hardest stuff we've ever had to do. From there, though, the visit definitely improved. Dad needed his beard trimmed in the worst way, so LB had brought his trimmers, and I brushed off my hairdressing skills and whacked away. I think that helped his outlook a bit, and then TM brought Kid A back from their long walk and, after I fed her, Dad got a chance to hold his first grandchild, for the first time in a month. She was on her best behavior, too: no fussing, and even some big old smiles and grins at her grandpa. He seemed to be a lot happier after that, and I really hope that the visit from Kid A is the shot in the arm he needed.
Medically, he's doing okay: he's lucid and coherent, and was shocked to hear about his last three weeks, since most of what we told him he didn't remember happening. It's still rather unclear how the pin in his ankle "came out." He may have fallen again, and that may have jarred it and the IV loose. He claims he did not pull out the pin or the IV. He's got big bandages on both ankles; apparently, at some point in the last 3-5 days, one of the pins punctured his other ankle, and who knows how that happened. And both legs are infected, from the surgical and puncture wounds. But he is in the hospital and being well cared for. All reports are that the rehab he was in was a bad place. They've lost their license at least a couple of times. Probably a good thing that he needed immediate medical attention, because it got him out of there, but it's probably their fault that he got in that condition in the first place. Dad is talking lawsuit. We'll see.
So I've now got a plastic shopping bag full of bills to sift through, phone calls to make, etc. Fortunately, I have a bit of experience from last summer, dealing with similar matters for him. It's a bit more intense this time, though, and not just because of the baby and the new job. We've got to move fast if we want to save what little equity Dad's got left. The good news is that the housing market in his immediate area has recently improved dramatically, and the elementary school across the street from his house has reopened this year, after several years of disuse. So we're hopeful.
I know this has been a long post already, but I want to write a little bit about Kid A, too, before I head off to do other things. It's certainly happier than writing about Dad, and I want to write about her regularly, so that I don't forget stuff. I know that childhood goes fast, and there are all sorts of new things happening all the time, and I have a terrible memory, so I want to capture as much as I can. Just in the last 24 hours, I am amazed at how different her hands and arms feel to me. She has always been a solid, big girl, but there's a new density to her hands and arms that indicates to me a new level of muscle tone and dexterity. Her hands feel bigger, her arms more solid. And I'm noticing that her arm movements seem to have more purpose, are less incidental. It's really exciting. She plays a lot every day, and is really interested in the world around her ... so much so, that she needs a fair amount of help getting to sleep! She gives most of her best smiles to everyone else -- including her toy that she plays with every day -- but we get so much sweet quality time together every day that I really don't mind. I know the smiles that are just for me will come in time.
Tomorrow I go in for my first day of work, and Kid A will have her first full day of child care. Then we'll dive in next week for five days in a row. I know she'll be fine, and eventually, I will, too. Wish me sanity and perspective!
We arrived in town around noon, a bit later than we'd hoped, and had some lunch with LB, then went to the hospital. We dispensed quickly with the small talk and got down to business, talking about realtors (Dad has been trying to sell the house himself, to save money), and selling his extra car, and selling his big, gas-guzzling diesel truck and getting him something smaller and more affordable. He actually did okay until we started talking about the neighbors' offer to have their sister foster the dog, and he panicked. It quickly became clear that he had no idea he'd been out of home for over three weeks -- he must have thought it had been just a few days, a week at most. He said, "It's sad, but that dog's all I've got left." After much discussion, and a real shutting-down on Dad's part, he relented, and agreed that the dog would be better off staying with people and other dogs until Dad was ready to take her back.
That was the hard part: forcing Dad to deal with the urgent, pressing business of the possibility of foreclosure, and the reality that he must sell his home immediately. I hope as few people as possible have to go through that, because even though LB and I have parented our Dad for a long time, this was some of the hardest stuff we've ever had to do. From there, though, the visit definitely improved. Dad needed his beard trimmed in the worst way, so LB had brought his trimmers, and I brushed off my hairdressing skills and whacked away. I think that helped his outlook a bit, and then TM brought Kid A back from their long walk and, after I fed her, Dad got a chance to hold his first grandchild, for the first time in a month. She was on her best behavior, too: no fussing, and even some big old smiles and grins at her grandpa. He seemed to be a lot happier after that, and I really hope that the visit from Kid A is the shot in the arm he needed.
Medically, he's doing okay: he's lucid and coherent, and was shocked to hear about his last three weeks, since most of what we told him he didn't remember happening. It's still rather unclear how the pin in his ankle "came out." He may have fallen again, and that may have jarred it and the IV loose. He claims he did not pull out the pin or the IV. He's got big bandages on both ankles; apparently, at some point in the last 3-5 days, one of the pins punctured his other ankle, and who knows how that happened. And both legs are infected, from the surgical and puncture wounds. But he is in the hospital and being well cared for. All reports are that the rehab he was in was a bad place. They've lost their license at least a couple of times. Probably a good thing that he needed immediate medical attention, because it got him out of there, but it's probably their fault that he got in that condition in the first place. Dad is talking lawsuit. We'll see.
So I've now got a plastic shopping bag full of bills to sift through, phone calls to make, etc. Fortunately, I have a bit of experience from last summer, dealing with similar matters for him. It's a bit more intense this time, though, and not just because of the baby and the new job. We've got to move fast if we want to save what little equity Dad's got left. The good news is that the housing market in his immediate area has recently improved dramatically, and the elementary school across the street from his house has reopened this year, after several years of disuse. So we're hopeful.
I know this has been a long post already, but I want to write a little bit about Kid A, too, before I head off to do other things. It's certainly happier than writing about Dad, and I want to write about her regularly, so that I don't forget stuff. I know that childhood goes fast, and there are all sorts of new things happening all the time, and I have a terrible memory, so I want to capture as much as I can. Just in the last 24 hours, I am amazed at how different her hands and arms feel to me. She has always been a solid, big girl, but there's a new density to her hands and arms that indicates to me a new level of muscle tone and dexterity. Her hands feel bigger, her arms more solid. And I'm noticing that her arm movements seem to have more purpose, are less incidental. It's really exciting. She plays a lot every day, and is really interested in the world around her ... so much so, that she needs a fair amount of help getting to sleep! She gives most of her best smiles to everyone else -- including her toy that she plays with every day -- but we get so much sweet quality time together every day that I really don't mind. I know the smiles that are just for me will come in time.
Tomorrow I go in for my first day of work, and Kid A will have her first full day of child care. Then we'll dive in next week for five days in a row. I know she'll be fine, and eventually, I will, too. Wish me sanity and perspective!
Saturday, August 30, 2008
It's like a bad episode of House
Dad's Doc did not admit him to the hospital on Thursday, as planned. I called the rehab in the afternoon on Thursday to see if he was still there, and sure enough, he was. The nurse/case manager read me the doctor's orders (and made me wonder if they would have been read at all, had I not called, since she sounded surprised at some of the notes), and the plan was to hydrate him via a saline IV, and clean the surgical wound regularly with Betadine, and admit to the hospital if he doesn't improve.
Well, he didn't improve. In fact, he got way worse, real fast. The neighbors called yesterday afternoon, relaying a message from the very nice man: Dad was taken to the hospital by ambulance in the afternoon on Friday. Apparently, he was completely disoriented, and had pulled out his IV, as well as one of the pins in his ankle.* By 10 pm last night, he was stable and coherent, but had received a blood transfusion, as his actions had led to a significant amount of blood loss. It seems likely, at this point, that he will need to undergo another surgery to repair the damage and replace the pin.
* The surgery was an attempt to fuse together the foot and ankle bones, providing more support and stability. It involved metal pins that hold the bones in place while they fuse; these pins extrude through the skin, which creates a sort of exoskeleton that allows for weight-bearing recuperation.
TM and I had planned to go visit Dad tomorrow, anyway, so we will know more tomorrow. I don't really have anything wise or insightful to say about this latest development; it is what it is.
But here is something completely unrelated, just for the sake of levity and cuteness. Enjoy!
see more puppies
Well, he didn't improve. In fact, he got way worse, real fast. The neighbors called yesterday afternoon, relaying a message from the very nice man: Dad was taken to the hospital by ambulance in the afternoon on Friday. Apparently, he was completely disoriented, and had pulled out his IV, as well as one of the pins in his ankle.* By 10 pm last night, he was stable and coherent, but had received a blood transfusion, as his actions had led to a significant amount of blood loss. It seems likely, at this point, that he will need to undergo another surgery to repair the damage and replace the pin.
* The surgery was an attempt to fuse together the foot and ankle bones, providing more support and stability. It involved metal pins that hold the bones in place while they fuse; these pins extrude through the skin, which creates a sort of exoskeleton that allows for weight-bearing recuperation.
TM and I had planned to go visit Dad tomorrow, anyway, so we will know more tomorrow. I don't really have anything wise or insightful to say about this latest development; it is what it is.
But here is something completely unrelated, just for the sake of levity and cuteness. Enjoy!
see more puppies
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Not so fast ...
I suppose it was wishful thinking that I was taking a day off from Dad. Around 6 pm yesterday, Dad's surgeon called to say that progress is slower than Doc would like, and will be re-admitting Dad to the hospital today. Apparently, the infection isn't getting better, and there are some numbers, related to his kidneys, that are causing some concern. Also, Dad isn't complying with medical advice/orders. He needs to be doing physical therapy 5x per week, and is apparently refusing 3x a week. He also needs to keep the foot elevated, and Doc says that every time he goes to check on him, Dad's sitting on the side of the bed, with his feet on the floor. I can just picture it: that's how Dad's most comfortable, and he has always sat like that.
After I spoke with Doc, I called the very nice man and the neighbors about the dog. Since Dad's not going home any time soon, it seems a lot to ask of people to check on the dog multiple times a day (there's a dog door, so she can get out to do her business, but she needs food and water and people time). And since Dad doesn't work, the dog is accustomed to being with someone all day, every day. So we are all starting to feel bad for the poor little thing, and will probably need to find a foster home for her while Dad's laid up. Fortunately, the neighbor's sister has a Bichon Frise, same breed as Dad's, and is willing to take her in. (Last time Dad was in the hospital and rehab for an extended length of time, my mom was kind enough to do it.) It's so wonderful that there are good and kind people in the world.
What really sucks is the financial situation. Dad's been living on the razor's edge for quite some time now, and after the hospital stay, he'll surely return to rehab. He's got 20 days in the rehab that are covered 100% by Medicare, but after that, the coverage for the remaining 80 days is only 80%, so he'll rack up over $100 a day for as long as he stays beyond the first 20. (Universal health care now!!!) In addition, he's not in any shape to attend to his bills while he's recuperating, so he'll likely incur late fees on things like his mortgage, and I'm not entirely sure what he's been doing to make ends meet (his mortgage is more than he brings in monthly from his disability checks). He's been trying to sell the house for months, but it's a terrible market. I fear that he'll be denied Medi-Cal (the rehab helped him apply, but he has at least 1 too many vehicles), and will be forced to sell his house for less than he could, just to be able to pay his medical expenses, and then where will he live?
Ultimately, so much of this is out of my hands, but it certainly causes concern. Thank god I have a job now, just in case Dad's financial situation starts to get super intense. I'd hate to have to pitch in (I've got to save for my own retirement, plus a college fund for Kid A), but I suppose we do what we have to do, right?
After I spoke with Doc, I called the very nice man and the neighbors about the dog. Since Dad's not going home any time soon, it seems a lot to ask of people to check on the dog multiple times a day (there's a dog door, so she can get out to do her business, but she needs food and water and people time). And since Dad doesn't work, the dog is accustomed to being with someone all day, every day. So we are all starting to feel bad for the poor little thing, and will probably need to find a foster home for her while Dad's laid up. Fortunately, the neighbor's sister has a Bichon Frise, same breed as Dad's, and is willing to take her in. (Last time Dad was in the hospital and rehab for an extended length of time, my mom was kind enough to do it.) It's so wonderful that there are good and kind people in the world.
What really sucks is the financial situation. Dad's been living on the razor's edge for quite some time now, and after the hospital stay, he'll surely return to rehab. He's got 20 days in the rehab that are covered 100% by Medicare, but after that, the coverage for the remaining 80 days is only 80%, so he'll rack up over $100 a day for as long as he stays beyond the first 20. (Universal health care now!!!) In addition, he's not in any shape to attend to his bills while he's recuperating, so he'll likely incur late fees on things like his mortgage, and I'm not entirely sure what he's been doing to make ends meet (his mortgage is more than he brings in monthly from his disability checks). He's been trying to sell the house for months, but it's a terrible market. I fear that he'll be denied Medi-Cal (the rehab helped him apply, but he has at least 1 too many vehicles), and will be forced to sell his house for less than he could, just to be able to pay his medical expenses, and then where will he live?
Ultimately, so much of this is out of my hands, but it certainly causes concern. Thank god I have a job now, just in case Dad's financial situation starts to get super intense. I'd hate to have to pitch in (I've got to save for my own retirement, plus a college fund for Kid A), but I suppose we do what we have to do, right?
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Outings today
Kid A and I had a big day today. Ran some errands, attended a breastfeeding support group (where I asked some questions about pumping and returning to work), and then went back to the office where I interned last year to say "hi" to everyone. Since I was (very) visibly pregnant during my internship, people were pleased to see me and to meet Kid A. TM and I had not divulged Kid A's name prior to her birth, so it was fun to introduce her to people who had called her by various pet nicknames during my work there.
Kid A did great. She's been fussy for the last couple of days, and so it was really nice to take her out and about. She definitely had her fits, but they were mercifully short and very few. She did sleep in the car between stops, but would not stay asleep once we got home. TM came home a short time after we did, and applied the Moby and stayed with soothing her until she went to sleep. I think she's so tired, she just might stay asleep while we eat our dinner -- something that rarely happens!
No news on Dad today. I took a day off from attending to his troubles. Will keep y'all posted.
Kid A did great. She's been fussy for the last couple of days, and so it was really nice to take her out and about. She definitely had her fits, but they were mercifully short and very few. She did sleep in the car between stops, but would not stay asleep once we got home. TM came home a short time after we did, and applied the Moby and stayed with soothing her until she went to sleep. I think she's so tired, she just might stay asleep while we eat our dinner -- something that rarely happens!
No news on Dad today. I took a day off from attending to his troubles. Will keep y'all posted.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
A New Wrinkle
The generation of women just slightly older than me is, I've read, sometimes called the "sandwich generation." "Sandwich" because they are torn between the needs of their children and those of their increasingly dependent parents. Although I'm not quite middle-aged yet, my father has (and has had for quite some time) the physical ailments of a much, much older man. For nearly a decade of his young adult life, my younger brother lived at home and helped out around the house, but a couple of years ago he decided it was time to live his own life and moved out (yay, little brother!). Dad did okay for a while, but within six months of living alone, he deteriorated significantly. Around that time, I encouraged him to start thinking about making some changes. At first, we discussed the idea of selling his house and moving up to where TM and I live, getting a duplex or something along those lines. After Dad decided to take out an equity line of credit on the house, we realized there wasn't enough equity left in the house for a down on something big enough for all of us. We then started discussing other options. This was a lengthy process, punctuated here and there with medical scares and stints in the hospital. I think Dad probably felt let down, after we decided that he couldn't come "live with us," and he was definitely afraid of making a major life change. The time for that was probably 10-15 years ago, when he was younger and quite a bit healthier (although none of us thinks of him as ever really being healthy). At any rate, Dad resisted much of my attempts at trying to fix things.
Fast forward to the beginning of August. Dad went in for a surgery on his ankle; he had it "fused," and, although I don't know what that actually means, he had had the other one done somewhere around 10 years ago or so. They kept him in for a few days and sent him home. There is a very nice man, about 20 years older than Dad, who lives near him and checks on him every day. The day after Dad went home from the hospital, this man checked on him and decided to take him back in. Dad then went to a rehab facility, where he's been ever since. All this was happening right around the time Kid A is 4-5 weeks old, so I wasn't really staying on top of things. And Dad's generally been really good about calling every few days to check in. Last week, he didn't call at all. I called him on Thursday, and left a message on his cell phone, which he never returned. I called him on Sunday, and he sounded terrible: really drugged up and pretty incoherent (mind you, this is not highly unusual for Dad, but is definitely an indication that things are bad). I made a few more phone calls, and everyone I talked to is concerned. Dad's neighbor said, "You and your brother need to make a plan, he can't make decisions for himself anymore." Dad has fallen at least once (again, not unusual but bad: Dad is a very very large man, and falling is worse for him than for most of us), and the foot is infected, which requires IV antibiotics.
So here we are, in the very predicament I had hoped to ward off: Dad in the neediest position he's been in at least a year, and me with a brand-new baby (and about to start a brand-new job) and unable to travel or do anything besides make some phone calls. (And even that can be difficult -- leaving messages for doctors and then hoping that when they return the call I'm not completely consumed with immediate infant needs.) I mean, half the time I can't even get a meal in or use the bathroom -- what am I supposed to do for Dad from two hours away?
There's yet another layer to all this, as well. Dad's sister, my aunt, who lives in the same town, has been battling cancer for well over a year (and this is actually a recurrence of a previously-treated cancer). Very long story short, yesterday, my aunt had surgery to amputate her arm and shoulder. The cancer, when it recurred, showed up as a large tumor in her shoulder. It has been painful, and the pain became acute earlier this month, and she went to the hospital. It was finally discovered that her arm was broken, and there was nothing they could really do to fix the break due to the tumor, and she hasn't really been able to use her arm anyway, so she decided to go with the recommendation to have it amputated. The surgery was successful, but we're now in a wait-and-see situation as to her recovery and prognosis.
Dad has relied on the very nice man, and my aunt and her family for a long time. It's how he's been able to live alone. He also has very nice neighbors who look out for him and help him out, taking out his garbage and recycling cans every week, and things like that. He's got a good support network near him. However, as a very prescient social worker with whom I spoke about a year ago said, "Supports are good, but ultimately, friends won't do what family will." I could tell when I talked to the neighbor yesterday that people are definitely getting Dad-fatigue. Hell, I've got Dad-fatigue! And now, even family is pretty unable to do "what family will."
I feel pretty defeated, and pretty sad. I'm also mad, which is typically where I go when it comes to Dad troubles: I tend to blame him for not planning ahead (his health has never been good, he should have planned for his old age, his financial situation is bad bad bad, which I blame him for, too). But today, I mostly feel really sad for him. It must suck to be all alone in that place, confused a lot of the time, away from home and his dog, unable to visit his sister in her time of need and worrying about her, unable to visit his brand-new first grandchild. What's also sad is that he decided to go forward with the surgery as part of a broader plan of getting into better health and better shape so that he can spend more time with Kid A.
So here I am, sandwiched between Dad and baby, both of them vulnerable, and needy, and helpless in their own way. I know what to do, it's the only thing I can do: take care of my daughter first, and do whatever is humanly possible to look after Dad in the moments I can steal. We're all going to go visit on Sunday, and hopefully we'll have a better sense of what sort of plan we need to make. It certainly isn't easy, but I'm hoping our options will be clear.
Fast forward to the beginning of August. Dad went in for a surgery on his ankle; he had it "fused," and, although I don't know what that actually means, he had had the other one done somewhere around 10 years ago or so. They kept him in for a few days and sent him home. There is a very nice man, about 20 years older than Dad, who lives near him and checks on him every day. The day after Dad went home from the hospital, this man checked on him and decided to take him back in. Dad then went to a rehab facility, where he's been ever since. All this was happening right around the time Kid A is 4-5 weeks old, so I wasn't really staying on top of things. And Dad's generally been really good about calling every few days to check in. Last week, he didn't call at all. I called him on Thursday, and left a message on his cell phone, which he never returned. I called him on Sunday, and he sounded terrible: really drugged up and pretty incoherent (mind you, this is not highly unusual for Dad, but is definitely an indication that things are bad). I made a few more phone calls, and everyone I talked to is concerned. Dad's neighbor said, "You and your brother need to make a plan, he can't make decisions for himself anymore." Dad has fallen at least once (again, not unusual but bad: Dad is a very very large man, and falling is worse for him than for most of us), and the foot is infected, which requires IV antibiotics.
So here we are, in the very predicament I had hoped to ward off: Dad in the neediest position he's been in at least a year, and me with a brand-new baby (and about to start a brand-new job) and unable to travel or do anything besides make some phone calls. (And even that can be difficult -- leaving messages for doctors and then hoping that when they return the call I'm not completely consumed with immediate infant needs.) I mean, half the time I can't even get a meal in or use the bathroom -- what am I supposed to do for Dad from two hours away?
There's yet another layer to all this, as well. Dad's sister, my aunt, who lives in the same town, has been battling cancer for well over a year (and this is actually a recurrence of a previously-treated cancer). Very long story short, yesterday, my aunt had surgery to amputate her arm and shoulder. The cancer, when it recurred, showed up as a large tumor in her shoulder. It has been painful, and the pain became acute earlier this month, and she went to the hospital. It was finally discovered that her arm was broken, and there was nothing they could really do to fix the break due to the tumor, and she hasn't really been able to use her arm anyway, so she decided to go with the recommendation to have it amputated. The surgery was successful, but we're now in a wait-and-see situation as to her recovery and prognosis.
Dad has relied on the very nice man, and my aunt and her family for a long time. It's how he's been able to live alone. He also has very nice neighbors who look out for him and help him out, taking out his garbage and recycling cans every week, and things like that. He's got a good support network near him. However, as a very prescient social worker with whom I spoke about a year ago said, "Supports are good, but ultimately, friends won't do what family will." I could tell when I talked to the neighbor yesterday that people are definitely getting Dad-fatigue. Hell, I've got Dad-fatigue! And now, even family is pretty unable to do "what family will."
I feel pretty defeated, and pretty sad. I'm also mad, which is typically where I go when it comes to Dad troubles: I tend to blame him for not planning ahead (his health has never been good, he should have planned for his old age, his financial situation is bad bad bad, which I blame him for, too). But today, I mostly feel really sad for him. It must suck to be all alone in that place, confused a lot of the time, away from home and his dog, unable to visit his sister in her time of need and worrying about her, unable to visit his brand-new first grandchild. What's also sad is that he decided to go forward with the surgery as part of a broader plan of getting into better health and better shape so that he can spend more time with Kid A.
So here I am, sandwiched between Dad and baby, both of them vulnerable, and needy, and helpless in their own way. I know what to do, it's the only thing I can do: take care of my daughter first, and do whatever is humanly possible to look after Dad in the moments I can steal. We're all going to go visit on Sunday, and hopefully we'll have a better sense of what sort of plan we need to make. It certainly isn't easy, but I'm hoping our options will be clear.
Monday, August 25, 2008
The Utmost in Mixed Feelings
So Kid A is sleeping on my chest in the Moby as I write. She's going through this phase where she won't stay asleep for naps unless she's on somebody. TM wore her yesterday while we were visiting with his folks; I wore her last night while we ate dinner. And at night (although she rocked her first sleep shift from 9 pm or so until 2:30 this morning), she pretty much wants to be on me, nursing and sleeping intermittently, for hours. It's mostly hard because she's so big (2-month pediatrician appointment next week -- we'll see what she weighs! I'm guessing 13 pounds or so), and my arms and back get tired. And I'm shocked at how much my knees are bothering me -- it's like I'm carrying a 13-pound fetus because I'm holding her so much! And for the most part, she isn't content with just being held, oh no. Girl wants to move: swaying, bouncing, rocking, walking. Sometimes she won't even tolerate my "compromise" position of bouncing on the exercise ball. And she often needs to be held a certain way, or she isn't happy.
But I am grateful that I have discovered what does make her happy, and that she is mostly content for most of the day. And I love that she is such a snuggler of a baby; I am soaking up these last few days before I have to turn her over to others for 40+ hours per week. It makes me nervous that she has such specific needs and preferences, and that, undoubtedly, others will attend to her differently, and I wonder whether she will be happy. I know I am not unique in my worries and concerns for my daughter's welfare; most parents must rely on others to help raise their children. But I feel so sad when I think that someone else will get her onto her daytime schedule, will get the lion's share of her waking hours, will teach her how to fall asleep for naps without me or her dad. And I know that this is not new or special, either; we are just one family of millions who go through this and feel this way. But it is hard. So I am wallowing in the sight of her, the feel of her little baby cheek against my chest, her sweet slack-jawed expression as she sleeps.
And at the same time that I am devastated at having to leave her so soon, I am also, equally, very glad. I am glad to have a job, and that the uncertainty is over. I hate the unknown, and I don't do well with it. I am glad and grateful not to have to go through the ridiculous exam-and-interview process in other counties. I am glad that I was hired in the only county I really want to work in. And, I must admit, I am glad that I will be a working mom. I would rather have started working a month later than I will start, but I know I would not have done well with vast expanses of unstructured time. I love Kid A beyond describing, but I am not SAHM material. I want adult conversations, and meaningful work, and (yes) a paycheck. So when I think about those things, I am very glad. And, simultaneously, it sucks. I wish this country was more supportive of maternity leave.* TM says that, even though it sucks now, at least I'll have benefits like vacation time and sick leave and whatnot when she's older, when it will matter more because she can remember it. And I agree, but, well, see above re someone else laying a lot of the foundation ...
* We saw Sicko several weeks ago, when Kid A was just a couple of weeks old (she's 7 weeks now), and we were super impressed by the French system of neonatal in-home supports, provided by the government. A lot of western European countries, too, have lengthy (paid) maternity leaves, job protection, etc., so that parents can be the ones to raise their children. I have Euro envy.
I spoke with the county trainee supervisor this morning, and it looks like I might go in for a day or two next week, and will start full-time on September 8. I really have to buy some clothes that fit!
But I am grateful that I have discovered what does make her happy, and that she is mostly content for most of the day. And I love that she is such a snuggler of a baby; I am soaking up these last few days before I have to turn her over to others for 40+ hours per week. It makes me nervous that she has such specific needs and preferences, and that, undoubtedly, others will attend to her differently, and I wonder whether she will be happy. I know I am not unique in my worries and concerns for my daughter's welfare; most parents must rely on others to help raise their children. But I feel so sad when I think that someone else will get her onto her daytime schedule, will get the lion's share of her waking hours, will teach her how to fall asleep for naps without me or her dad. And I know that this is not new or special, either; we are just one family of millions who go through this and feel this way. But it is hard. So I am wallowing in the sight of her, the feel of her little baby cheek against my chest, her sweet slack-jawed expression as she sleeps.
And at the same time that I am devastated at having to leave her so soon, I am also, equally, very glad. I am glad to have a job, and that the uncertainty is over. I hate the unknown, and I don't do well with it. I am glad and grateful not to have to go through the ridiculous exam-and-interview process in other counties. I am glad that I was hired in the only county I really want to work in. And, I must admit, I am glad that I will be a working mom. I would rather have started working a month later than I will start, but I know I would not have done well with vast expanses of unstructured time. I love Kid A beyond describing, but I am not SAHM material. I want adult conversations, and meaningful work, and (yes) a paycheck. So when I think about those things, I am very glad. And, simultaneously, it sucks. I wish this country was more supportive of maternity leave.* TM says that, even though it sucks now, at least I'll have benefits like vacation time and sick leave and whatnot when she's older, when it will matter more because she can remember it. And I agree, but, well, see above re someone else laying a lot of the foundation ...
* We saw Sicko several weeks ago, when Kid A was just a couple of weeks old (she's 7 weeks now), and we were super impressed by the French system of neonatal in-home supports, provided by the government. A lot of western European countries, too, have lengthy (paid) maternity leaves, job protection, etc., so that parents can be the ones to raise their children. I have Euro envy.
I spoke with the county trainee supervisor this morning, and it looks like I might go in for a day or two next week, and will start full-time on September 8. I really have to buy some clothes that fit!
Friday, August 22, 2008
You've GOT to be kidding me (or, Oh the irony)
Wow. How quickly things change. I posted at 8:30 am today, and already there's news. Unbelievable.
This afternoon at around 1:30, as I was attending to a crying Kid A, I got a message from my first-choice county -- wait for it -- offering me a job. Seriously. Ha ha, very funny, universe. Very funny. At first I was pissed -- boy, was I pissed. Really? I wait around for two weeks to hear from you, and now you offer me a job? And I'm supposed to start in 10 days? And find child care? Really? Man oh man. Some nerve.
But then I returned the phone call and was able to connect with the supervisor who offered me the job. I accepted, but indicated that we do need to find childcare. I think I used the word "scramble." The first thing out of her mouth was, "Oh, I've talked with my supervisor, and we can work with you on the start date." Immediately, about 85% of my anger dissipated. Huh. Maybe that's why I was passed over in the first round. Thank goodness I have the leverage of the time crunch working in my favor. Wow. Wow.
So now it's time for me to cram in all the bonding I can with Kid A in the 10 days or two weeks or however much time I have left before I'm back in the working world. How quickly things change, no? And I've got to start pumping like a milk factory, and go buy some clothes that fit that are suitable for work ...
But before all of that, I've got to go make dinner.
Oh, one last thing: I do plan to keep writing about motherland, but maybe not quite as frequently as I would have if I weren't working! So do check back, if you're interested. And if it's been a while, and you're wondering what we're up to, holla!
This afternoon at around 1:30, as I was attending to a crying Kid A, I got a message from my first-choice county -- wait for it -- offering me a job. Seriously. Ha ha, very funny, universe. Very funny. At first I was pissed -- boy, was I pissed. Really? I wait around for two weeks to hear from you, and now you offer me a job? And I'm supposed to start in 10 days? And find child care? Really? Man oh man. Some nerve.
But then I returned the phone call and was able to connect with the supervisor who offered me the job. I accepted, but indicated that we do need to find childcare. I think I used the word "scramble." The first thing out of her mouth was, "Oh, I've talked with my supervisor, and we can work with you on the start date." Immediately, about 85% of my anger dissipated. Huh. Maybe that's why I was passed over in the first round. Thank goodness I have the leverage of the time crunch working in my favor. Wow. Wow.
So now it's time for me to cram in all the bonding I can with Kid A in the 10 days or two weeks or however much time I have left before I'm back in the working world. How quickly things change, no? And I've got to start pumping like a milk factory, and go buy some clothes that fit that are suitable for work ...
But before all of that, I've got to go make dinner.
Oh, one last thing: I do plan to keep writing about motherland, but maybe not quite as frequently as I would have if I weren't working! So do check back, if you're interested. And if it's been a while, and you're wondering what we're up to, holla!
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