The Utmost in Mixed Feelings

So Kid A is sleeping on my chest in the Moby as I write. She's going through this phase where she won't stay asleep for naps unless she's on somebody. TM wore her yesterday while we were visiting with his folks; I wore her last night while we ate dinner. And at night (although she rocked her first sleep shift from 9 pm or so until 2:30 this morning), she pretty much wants to be on me, nursing and sleeping intermittently, for hours. It's mostly hard because she's so big (2-month pediatrician appointment next week -- we'll see what she weighs! I'm guessing 13 pounds or so), and my arms and back get tired. And I'm shocked at how much my knees are bothering me -- it's like I'm carrying a 13-pound fetus because I'm holding her so much! And for the most part, she isn't content with just being held, oh no. Girl wants to move: swaying, bouncing, rocking, walking. Sometimes she won't even tolerate my "compromise" position of bouncing on the exercise ball. And she often needs to be held a certain way, or she isn't happy.

But I am grateful that I have discovered what does make her happy, and that she is mostly content for most of the day. And I love that she is such a snuggler of a baby; I am soaking up these last few days before I have to turn her over to others for 40+ hours per week. It makes me nervous that she has such specific needs and preferences, and that, undoubtedly, others will attend to her differently, and I wonder whether she will be happy. I know I am not unique in my worries and concerns for my daughter's welfare; most parents must rely on others to help raise their children. But I feel so sad when I think that someone else will get her onto her daytime schedule, will get the lion's share of her waking hours, will teach her how to fall asleep for naps without me or her dad. And I know that this is not new or special, either; we are just one family of millions who go through this and feel this way. But it is hard. So I am wallowing in the sight of her, the feel of her little baby cheek against my chest, her sweet slack-jawed expression as she sleeps.

And at the same time that I am devastated at having to leave her so soon, I am also, equally, very glad. I am glad to have a job, and that the uncertainty is over. I hate the unknown, and I don't do well with it. I am glad and grateful not to have to go through the ridiculous exam-and-interview process in other counties. I am glad that I was hired in the only county I really want to work in. And, I must admit, I am glad that I will be a working mom. I would rather have started working a month later than I will start, but I know I would not have done well with vast expanses of unstructured time. I love Kid A beyond describing, but I am not SAHM material. I want adult conversations, and meaningful work, and (yes) a paycheck. So when I think about those things, I am very glad. And, simultaneously, it sucks. I wish this country was more supportive of maternity leave.* TM says that, even though it sucks now, at least I'll have benefits like vacation time and sick leave and whatnot when she's older, when it will matter more because she can remember it. And I agree, but, well, see above re someone else laying a lot of the foundation ...

* We saw Sicko several weeks ago, when Kid A was just a couple of weeks old (she's 7 weeks now), and we were super impressed by the French system of neonatal in-home supports, provided by the government. A lot of western European countries, too, have lengthy (paid) maternity leaves, job protection, etc., so that parents can be the ones to raise their children. I have Euro envy.

I spoke with the county trainee supervisor this morning, and it looks like I might go in for a day or two next week, and will start full-time on September 8. I really have to buy some clothes that fit!