TGI (almost) F

I have survived my first four days of full-time work. My first week is almost over. It has been both good and very very hard. Surprisingly, dropping Kid A off with the sitters has not been the hardest part. I certainly don't like it very much, but it's been easier than I expected. The tough stuff has been pumping (brutal) and managing the evenings.

Pumping sucks for two reasons. One, it's time-consuming and uncomfortable. Pumping for 15 minutes ends up taking half an hour: getting set up, doing the deed, and then cleaning the equipment and storing the milk ... bleh. No fun at all. And because it's a new job, even though everyone's been super supportive, I still feel self-conscious and awkward about how much time it takes. The other reason pumping sucks is because I'm not producing very much milk. The sitters have just barely been getting through each day with what I'm giving them, and I'm having to pump in the mornings before Kid A wakes up just to get enough to leave with her each day, but today they had to give her formula at the end of the day. I finally had to readjust my philosophy on pumping, and I feel somewhat better about it. Rather than carry the expectation (and the pressure) that I am pumping in order to feed her while I am away, I have decided that
I am really pumping in order to protect my milk supply so that I can continue to nurse her whenever I am with her. The fact that I am able to leave some of my milk with her while I am gone is just a bonus. Mind you, I am taking fenugreek supplements and drinking mother's milk tea, so I haven't completely given up on the hope that I will begin to produce more and be able to provide all she needs ... But as one of my colleagues pointed out, she'll be on rice cereal soon, and then additional solids after that, so it's just a few more months of pressure. Which, of course, I am no longer feeling. Of course.

Ok, the evenings. The evenings have been hard because I've been trying to care for Kid A, who has been consistently fussy at night, as well as trying to get myself ready for work the next day. And pump. And I'm now way more sleep-deprived than I had been up to now, because I used to be able to make up for interrupted night sleep by sleeping in until 8 or 9 every morning. Now I'm up between 4:30 and 5:30, depending on where I need to be that day. Tonight, though, I came home with very low expectations of what I would "accomplish." Bathe, feed, and otherwise care for the baby, and feed myself dinner ... and a much-longed-for bowl of ice cream, which I had gotten into the habit of having every night while pregnant, but had not been able to eat for the past four nights. And in fact, it was a much better evening. I bathed, and played with, and nursed Kid A, and then took her for a long walk in the Moby, and she finally fell asleep. I came home and ate dinner, and started typing this post, and dished out my ice cream, and she woke up. Now TM is holding and rocking her, while I finish dessert, and I would say mission accomplished. :)

I have a very funny story about pumping in the field on my very first day, but that will have to wait. I think I'll probably only be able to post on the weekends for a while, at least until she's predictably and consistently going to bed at a certain time each night. So, more later. Stay tuned!