Little lamb

This was not the photo I had intended to put up when I promised a couple of days ago to post photos, but a) it's too cute, and b) it was easy. I still haven't had a chance to upload the photos I took of Kid A last weekend, but I really really hope to do so soon.

We had a little reunion of my prenatal yoga class today, along with a couple of mamas-to-be, at a little park in North Berkeley. There were six babies and their parents. There were even three grandparents in attendance! This is the group that is the closest thing I have to a mom's group, and so it's always wonderful to be with them. It's also always wonderful to have an excuse to get back to Berkeley and Oakland! I started my urban adventure with a trip to the Oakland location of Arizmendi, which I miss so dearly. (If you don't know about it, but are in the East Bay, you definitely need to check them out. Morning pastries to die for, yummy yummy pizza, good breads ... just go. Seriously.) Then we were off to the park, for fun in the sun with the mamas and babes. Delightful.

As you can see, Kid A was not altogether pleased with her first Halloween costume. But there's a lot that she's not pleased with, and I'm doing much better at taking her displeasure in stride. All in all, she was a real delight this weekend. Last night, we went to a pumpkin carving party with Krista Is A Mom and her family and our former neighbors, who are truly wonderful people. It was a great weekend of self-care, in which I was surrounded by the very best of humanity. It was wonderful to be in the company of our chosen "village." Too bad we don't actually live near our village!!

NO on 8

It's been a long time since my last post. I was sick, and then there was my aunt's funeral (really lovely, actually), and then I got sick again. I'm planning to put up some new pictures of Kid A really really soon, 'cause there are some great new ones, but tonight's post is political.

I know I'm in the suburbs now, because tonight I saw something I never would have seen in our old neighborhood. Driving home from what will be my new office, I saw a group -- a large group -- of people holding up signs. Yes on Prop 8 signs. The signs had slogans on them that read things like "Yes on 8 = religious freedom" and "Yes on 8 = freedom of speech". I'm a long long way from Berkeley, where I was never confronted with conservatism the way I'm confronted with it now. I've seen Prop 8 signs at a ratio of about 10 yes for every no. It's disheartening. It's pretty sickening. It boggles my mind that there is a large segment of the population that thinks it's okay to try to deny people their civil liberties, simply because they are morally opposed to homosexuality. It disgusts me that there are people who oppose same-sex marriage because it would somehow defile the sanctity of marriage, and yet many of these folks have gotten divorces, or cheat on their spouses, or are secretly gay themselves. In addition, those who support Prop 8 are often the same people who advocate for smaller government, and more freedom to make one's own choices (with their money, with their children's education, etc).

I'm not writing this very well, because it's late (for me, anyway), and I'm tired. What I really want to say is that an amendment to California's state constitution is not something to be taken lightly. If we were to change the operational definitions, and deny the right to marry to any other group within the population -- banning marriage between religions, or between races, for instance -- it would be clear as day that such an idea should go down in defeat. Proposition 8 denies fundamental human rights to a segment of the population and, as such, it is wrong. If you live in California, vote NO on Proposition 8.

First cold

Not hers, mine. I got really run-down, and have been feeling crummy for the past 2.5 days. I came home from work early today and took a great, nearly two-hour nap. I am definitely feeling better, but still tired.

Kid A fought against her final nap of the day today, and had a hard time going down to sleep, despite lots of feeding, a bath, and playtime. She's doing this very unpleasant thing while nursing lately, which, if it continues, will mean an early wean. Feel free to comment with suggestions if this has happened to you: she's clamping down. It HURTS. Even though she doesn't have any teeth, that shit hurts. I don't know why she does it, and I don't know what I can do about it, other than to take her off the boob for a little while.

There are some really lovely things that I've been noticing about nursing though, and they are things that I want to be sure to remember. Like when she throws her arm across her eyes, as though melodramatically saying, "Oh, it's all just too much!" Or putting her hand on top of her head, as in the I'm-a-little-teapot song. Or when she grabs the top of my thumb, as though it were a doorknob, with her strong little fingers.

Since she's so restless (even though she's asleep, I can hear her stirring), I'm going to cut this one short. Night!

A Happy Postcard

I'm really tired tonight, but I wanted to write a little bit about Kid A before another whole week goes by. Suddenly, she's just delightful to be with. She's still sometimes a fussy girl, but last week, around her 3-month birthday, she sort of turned a corner, temperamentally, and she's a sweet, happy baby now. She smiles so often these days (mostly at the big plastic sun at the apex of her activity mat!), and spends lots and lots of time shoving as much of her fists as possible into her mouth. She is endlessly fascinated with hands, her own and everybody else's. And even though I am not a very good singer, she is very often calmed by my singing. The most reliably calming song? The chorus from Fiona Apple's "Extraordinary Machine." Go figure.

TM picks her up every afternoon at around 4:00, and watches her until I get home, anywhere between 4:30 and 6:00, depending on where my training has taken me on a given day. He also spends lots of time singing to her, and it always brings a smile to my face. Unlike me (I'm pretty unoriginal, for the most part, with my song choices), TM makes up song after song after song for her. It's usually stuff about what she's doing, or looking at, or wearing, but it's always adorable, and very often it's clever and witty and funny, too. My biggest accomplishment in the made-up song category? "Oohhhh, pumpkin, doo-doo-doo-doo," repeated four times with slight changes of key. The only reason it's an accomplishment is because it made TM laugh, and also because it caught on with TM.

We had a lovely weekend. On Saturday, I went back to my old neighborhood, and visited Krista and her baby daughter, Molly. Then I swung by some friends' who are expecting their first baby any day now, and dropped off a big ol' package of diapers that I bought, thinking they would fit Kid A (what? they were for 8-14 pounds ... ), but were too small for her. On Sunday, our little family went to the plant nursery where TM used to work (for more than 10 years), and picked up a bamboo that TM had reserved as an anniversary present for me. Then we did our usual grocery shopping outings, and came home and did housework. It sounds like drudgery, but it was really wonderful to have such a low-key weekend.

My milk supply is still fairly low, despite a return to pumping three times a day at work all week last week. I was able to feed Kid A without formula on Saturday, but on Sunday I gave her a couple of bottles. I'm okay with it. I'm hoping to be able to get to four months before my supply completely peters out. The good news is that even though the supply is low, it hasn't dropped any lower since I resumed pumping more often.

And I booked a photographer for November! We'll be doing Christmas cards, of course, and will be giving the grandparents holiday photos. We're doing the session the weekend before Thanksgiving, which will mean Kid A will be 4.5 months old. I'm really excited, because I loooove this photographer's portfolio. After the shoot, I'll post a link to her website.

Ok, off to bed!

RIP, Auntie Uck

My aunt, the one who had her arm and shoulder amputated at the beginning of August, died during the night between Tuesday and Wednesday. About a week before her passing, she began a rapid deterioration, losing cognitive and motor functioning. I don't know many of the details, but the short version is that, considering what she was going through, it is a blessing that she went quickly. I am very sad for my uncle and my dad, and for her children and grandchildren. And, of course, I am sad for myself, too. We hadn't been all that close since I left my hometown at age 18, but she was always very kind to me, and she was a very big part of my childhood. She was an amazing person, who had been through a lot. I will miss her.

The last time I saw her was at the baby shower that my sister-in-law threw for TM and me in June. My aunt presented us with a very sweet handknit sweater and hat. Kid A will wear them next week when we go to the funeral. On that day, my aunt looked well, and happy. I don't know whether or not she felt as well as she looked, but I feel grateful that our last visit together was on such a happy occasion. Also at the shower, my aunt presented us with a quilt that my grandmother, who died in 1997, had made. Granny had made four quilts, one for each of her grandchildren, for the children that they would have someday. My aunt had kept them all in a cedar chest since my grandmother's death, and brought Kid A's quilt to the shower for us. My aunt was a special person.

My little brother called her Auntie Uck. I don't remember the story of how the name originated, but I will gather reminiscences from the family, and will post again. I'll miss you, Auntie Uck. I am glad to have known you.

Walking, Working, Watching

It's been a good week. On Sunday, Kid A will be 13 weeks old, and on Monday, she will celebrate her three-month birthday! This week, we discovered walks. I got home early on Tuesday, and was feeling worried and embarrassed about work (I'll elaborate on this below), and so I decided to put Kid A in the stroller and go for a walk. Since I started working, I've been concerned about how I'm going to get regular exercise, and so I decided to see if Kid A would enjoy getting out into the world. She did not like her stroller when she was younger, but I am very pleased to report that she really enjoyed going for walks this week. In fact, it's been a strategy that I've begun to employ when she's fussy and won't eat, and also won't yield to a nap easily. We walk for about 15 minutes or so, and then she falls asleep. There's a park nearby that has gravel paths, and the bumpiness usually puts her right out. We walked today for nearly an hour.

When we got back from our walk, after I fed her, I remembered about the Baby Einstein activity mat that my cousin and his wife bought for Kid A. It's one of those things that has the bars overhead for hanging toys and such from. I set it up for her, and she loved it! We have one of those bouncy seats that TM and I call the neglect-o-matic; well, this is the best neglect-o-matic ever. (Ironic, isn't it: a CPS worker bragging about neglecting her baby?)

So I am adjusting to working, and for the most part, it is fine. This week, though, I had a bit of a crisis of confidence about being in a new job, at the beginning of a new career. Last week, the issue with work was that I felt almost completely overwhelmed by the intensity of what it is that I will be doing: assessing whether children are at risk of harm, and deciding whether it is worse to take them out of their homes, or to leave them in situations that I wouldn't want for any child, but are minimally sufficient to meet their basic needs. It's bad all the way around, and, even though I'm not completely green at this, it suddenly feels all too real.

So the crisis of confidence: on Monday of this week, I had two incidents, right on top of one another, in which I felt as though my professional reputation was in danger of being damaged. Without going into detail, I will say that one of the incidents involved the person who will be supervising me, if I remain in the position to which it seems I've been assigned, and I fear that I may not be getting off on the best foot. The other incident involved a colleague, and while it was ultimately a positive interaction and, I think, restorative overall (I was revisiting a difference of opinion we'd had, and was essentially apologizing), she said during the conversation that she had "talked to a couple of people" back at the office after our disagreement. So I panicked inwardly, a little bit, and felt super crummy for the next 24 hours or so, feeling like my own professional reputation was rapidly spinning out of control. Thus, the walk on Tuesday evening. And I phoned Krista, who is the best listener I know, and walking and talking really helped me get out of my head about it (thanks, Krista!). And, as TM pointed out, I am more sleep-deprived than I have ever been, and so that was undoubtedly contributing to my shaken confidence. And I'm also adjusting to two new identities: mom, and CPS worker.

This week I also attended two days of training in Napa, and one of my former classmates is going through some pretty nasty office politics at her new job. I have therefore resolved to turn over a new leaf and rise above the cattiness that seems to be rampant among offices that are almost exclusively populated by women. I've sort of taken on a New Year's resolution early: no negative comments about colleagues. Our jobs are damn hard enough without piling on with junior high school type clique-y bullshit.

We've had our first rain of the fall this weekend, and I love it. The air smells nice, and the sidewalks look cleaner. I love the fall. It's hard to believe the holidays will be here so soon!

Oh, and we now have DVR!! I can watch things I would normally miss because they coincide with Kid A's neediest hours. Oh hooray! Thanks, Astound Broadband!